[ it's been a lot easier just to ignore the things he'd left back home, the more people emphasized that they didn't matter, that they couldn't reach him here, and while it'd been slow at first kaname had begun to accept his freedom, his independence, and learned from others what it meant to have a life outside of the wish his mother had left for him. he learned small happinesses and fun, the frustrations a boy his age should have, and everything inbetween.
really, it's probably all HiMERU could have wanted for his little brother and more. it must be nice, being able to see him smile so brightly every day and chat about his going ons, from venting about more minor things to being giddy about others... the end of march had dampened it as much as it had everyone, of course, but time moves on, time eases all pain.
...
that pain is why kaname waited a little longer than he should've, because regardless of the playful rumors he and narukami share together shiina and amagi were important to his brother and he knows that. kaname knows loss. it what brought him to seek out hiiro, and from that conversation this one would be born.
preamble aside, kaname isn't sure where he wants to talk about it -- so he asks his brother to take a walk with him instead. while he'd love to walk under the slowly greening trees of the forest he's heard, he's seen things, past the line and knows better than to venture too close; they can go the other way, sit in the plains between the town and the church. it'll be fun.
the soundproofing of the grass'll be nice too.
but it's still hard to start, so at first it is just a pleasant time out -- maybe HiMERU has a book to read while kaname weaves the grass into the start of a basket the way akane showed him, and he thinks of how he hasn't seen her as of late. something nice and relaxing, with little chitchat. ]
... Taka-nii, [ he starts as he finally works up the courage, ] we need to talk.
[ as if they weren't already, just a lull between one topic and the next. kaname keeps his face turned down, threading the lengthy grass turn after turn. it's the only thing keeping him from trembling. ]
[These days, his focus is full of holes, a sign he had been taking it far too easy. Which is a hell of a sentence to say in such dire straits as these. They had made themselves too comfortable, happily playing house in this prison they've almost contented themselves to stay caged in, focusing all their energy on all the wrong things, picking up on all the details that won't ever matter and picking their teeth with the bones of red herrings, and that is why lately, he finds himself counting.
It was only after Amagi and Shiina had died that he realized all that was slipping away, right from his side. Sometimes it feels as though it's a result of him moving too quickly, and other times he wonders if he's been moving at all. Regardless, time doesn't stop for him or anyone else still here.
It started with counting the days, because he could never let himself forget the moment he got that call, the scene he arrived to, the way the night fell after and day rose the next, irreverent. Then the items as they cleaned the home. The forks. The spoons. The plates. The bowls. The coats. The cards. The figurines. Everything theirs, all of theirs, still theirs. He counts it, and it's useless to know, but he stores it like he's got everything more to lose, and he does.
Even Kaname. Kaname is slipping away too, even when they're walking beside each other. HiMERU would defy fate itself to keep that from happening, but that too, in a way, is surrendering to its inevitability. They were fools to ever feel safe, and while his computations keel into overdrive, silently scrambling still for a solution, he quantifies his dwindling moments in an itemized list scrawled on the walls of his brain.
Every step through their path, every turn of a page, every smiling breath, every fold of the grass. Every beat in between, where a song could've started, but didn't.]
... Yes? [He responds evenly as ever, the subtle turn of his brother's tone enough encouragement to lift his eyes up from the page, gaze falling gently on the younger boy's focused expression. Avoiding eye contact.
A gentle breeze runs against his back, tickling the ends of his hair, tied neatly at his nape. It's long. ... It's been too long.]
[ would his brother understand? would his mother be happy? the questions, the worries from home, haunt him here as well, and he slips the grass into itself to keep himself from wavering as he so often did in the face of his brother; no amount of love could ever stop anxiety and fear, because love is where it was born from. kaname works through his basket as he musters up the words he'd practiced to himself, the face in the mirror so alike to the one beside him.
different, still. different but the same. proof of their family relation, something he clings to. ]
Truthfully, [ he starts, because maybe throwing out a bomb will ease the rest, ] I love someone very much. And I'd like to see him in the future, as I'd like to see you. But to do that, I need to know where I am in the future.
[ a pause, the wind cooling his warmed cheeks. it's strange to say it outloud. but it's true: something kaname would never act on, especially now, especially then, but the truth. ]
I know I'm behind you all. I've surmised as much from various conversations with the others. Which makes meeting him, as well as the others, far more difficult than anticipated. [ and for one person, from a land beyond, impossible.
kaname thinks of fantasies and then sets them aside. he swallows hard and finally, finally looks over at his brother, hands tight on the grass he weaves. ] You've taken my name, but why did you take it?
[ there's nothing accusatory. just curious. in all rights it belongs to his brother now, kaname has no problems with that even here -- but why, and how much would his brother offer him? ]
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sometime in april
really, it's probably all HiMERU could have wanted for his little brother and more. it must be nice, being able to see him smile so brightly every day and chat about his going ons, from venting about more minor things to being giddy about others... the end of march had dampened it as much as it had everyone, of course, but time moves on, time eases all pain.
...
that pain is why kaname waited a little longer than he should've, because regardless of the playful rumors he and narukami share together shiina and amagi were important to his brother and he knows that. kaname knows loss. it what brought him to seek out hiiro, and from that conversation this one would be born.
preamble aside, kaname isn't sure where he wants to talk about it -- so he asks his brother to take a walk with him instead. while he'd love to walk under the slowly greening trees of the forest he's heard, he's seen things, past the line and knows better than to venture too close; they can go the other way, sit in the plains between the town and the church. it'll be fun.
the soundproofing of the grass'll be nice too.
but it's still hard to start, so at first it is just a pleasant time out -- maybe HiMERU has a book to read while kaname weaves the grass into the start of a basket the way akane showed him, and he thinks of how he hasn't seen her as of late. something nice and relaxing, with little chitchat. ]
... Taka-nii, [ he starts as he finally works up the courage, ] we need to talk.
[ as if they weren't already, just a lull between one topic and the next. kaname keeps his face turned down, threading the lengthy grass turn after turn. it's the only thing keeping him from trembling. ]
About us. [ -- no. ] About me.
no subject
It was only after Amagi and Shiina had died that he realized all that was slipping away, right from his side. Sometimes it feels as though it's a result of him moving too quickly, and other times he wonders if he's been moving at all. Regardless, time doesn't stop for him or anyone else still here.
It started with counting the days, because he could never let himself forget the moment he got that call, the scene he arrived to, the way the night fell after and day rose the next, irreverent. Then the items as they cleaned the home. The forks. The spoons. The plates. The bowls. The coats. The cards. The figurines. Everything theirs, all of theirs, still theirs. He counts it, and it's useless to know, but he stores it like he's got everything more to lose, and he does.
Even Kaname. Kaname is slipping away too, even when they're walking beside each other. HiMERU would defy fate itself to keep that from happening, but that too, in a way, is surrendering to its inevitability. They were fools to ever feel safe, and while his computations keel into overdrive, silently scrambling still for a solution, he quantifies his dwindling moments in an itemized list scrawled on the walls of his brain.
Every step through their path, every turn of a page, every smiling breath, every fold of the grass. Every beat in between, where a song could've started, but didn't.]
... Yes? [He responds evenly as ever, the subtle turn of his brother's tone enough encouragement to lift his eyes up from the page, gaze falling gently on the younger boy's focused expression. Avoiding eye contact.
A gentle breeze runs against his back, tickling the ends of his hair, tied neatly at his nape. It's long. ... It's been too long.]
What's on your mind, as of late?
no subject
different, still. different but the same. proof of their family relation, something he clings to. ]
Truthfully, [ he starts, because maybe throwing out a bomb will ease the rest, ] I love someone very much. And I'd like to see him in the future, as I'd like to see you. But to do that, I need to know where I am in the future.
[ a pause, the wind cooling his warmed cheeks. it's strange to say it outloud. but it's true: something kaname would never act on, especially now, especially then, but the truth. ]
I know I'm behind you all. I've surmised as much from various conversations with the others. Which makes meeting him, as well as the others, far more difficult than anticipated. [ and for one person, from a land beyond, impossible.
kaname thinks of fantasies and then sets them aside. he swallows hard and finally, finally looks over at his brother, hands tight on the grass he weaves. ] You've taken my name, but why did you take it?
[ there's nothing accusatory. just curious. in all rights it belongs to his brother now, kaname has no problems with that even here -- but why, and how much would his brother offer him? ]