[ he won't fix a leona-shaped size hole in any wall but he will leave one in your heart. 💖
anyway. he's pleased that himeru answered and that he didn't have to resort to 'desperate' measures. or just measures, really. ]
Mm.
[ a soft noise as he walks inside, turning to look back at himeru. both hands on his hips, he puts a little more weight to one side as he leans and continues to stare with a lopsided smile. no menace, no anger. just curiosity ever-growing. ]
Glad you're doin' okay. Figured I'd stop by sometime.
[ all out of concern. that and something else. ]
So you and Yodaka live here. Just you two?
[ just in case. just in case.......... no witnesses :3 ]
[HiMERU shuts the door and follows Leona in, meeting him in the living room.]
Us, and another coworker who arrived more recently. She's a veritable socialite, though, so she tends to spend most of her time out on the town.
[Especially now that there's more of a town to be engaged in, anyway.
But the point is, for the time being, they're alone.]
It genuinely is good to see you again. It's been some time, hasn't it? You've been in HiMERU's thoughts. [For reasons a little more pressing than his simple smile reveals, but it's easiest to phrase it that way.] Now, did you really just come by to chat, or...?
[ hm. well, he can probably guess who that is. after all--- idols seem to stick together. one of the few exceptions happened to be himeru before his brother appeared, so. hm. it's an interesting choice of roommate given how deliberately normal she seems to be compared to the rest of them. ]
Have I? [ leona smiles faintly. ] Wonder why.
[ again, he can make some more assumptions as to why. perhaps it's because leona has been one the few non-idols that hasn't made himeru's life difficult? maybe???
[He raises one eyebrow. There aren't many people that information could've come from, since back in their home world he was not known for any talents in the kitchen... though that was quickly disproven upon arriving here.]
Depends who's asking, [He answers mildly, tilting his head at Leona. Not everyone gets the newly discovered privilege of enjoying HiMERU's cooking. If Leona is here to mooch a meal, he wouldn't be the first, but... Perhaps HiMERU does owe him that much, in the end.] But why? Having trouble satisfying your appetite?
[ he'd be happy to snag a meal here, but he'd probably want kaname to be here when he does that. right now--- there is something else that he wants. an opportunity to cash in on good will and favors before he gets any wrong ideas... so that he can have all the right ideas. ]
But I'm gonna make it easy on ya. Okay?
[ because he can. because he wants to show that he can show mercy, or at least, self-control. ]
I want you to answer any question I have, no matter the subject... but you can answer with just yeses or nos. Is that acceptable?
[ and he can let the reactions of a coolheaded and controlled idol determine how strong each response is. ]
[... Hmm. He doesn't have a good feeling about this. But he is indebted to Leona to a degree, and he does have some regrets about what he'd done, though he hasn't exactly expressed that yet. Depending on how this goes, maybe it'd be better not to do so at all.
But even with the "generosity" of keeping answers simple, any question, any subject is a little too...]
So what does HiMERU gain by accepting your conditions? And by declining?
[He's not just going to blindly agree, no matter how much he doesn't mind the other's company.]
You get as much from my questions as I get from your answers.
[ isn't that valuable? especially when leona is still a powerful mage and himeru is a pretty normal person, despite being an idol? or is knowledge not worth that much now? perhaps it isn't. ]
'sides. Do you think I'd wanna purposefully hurt you?
[ not that leona is offended, because. hey. people are scummy. leona isn't exactly the best example of someone who isn't, but he's had a pretty good track record here. just ask all the idols that've met him! like say... kaname. hehe. ]
But if you decline... well. 'm not stoppin' ya. Was just curious 'bout some things.
[ look how innocent he's being, with his tail flicking and his ears twitching... ]
[Not himself, anyway. He couldn't care less about what happens to himself, now. But the more he gets entangled with others, the more the risks pile on. Something he's known, proclaimed since the beginning, and yet... Where was it, exactly, that he faltered?
A sigh. HiMERU crosses the room and takes a seat on the couch, folding his legs and hands over his knee like he's poised for an interview. Except this is one he won't bother smiling for. He gestures for Leona to sit as well.]
Then for every question he answers, HiMERU will expect you to answer a question of his, as well. If that sounds fair and agreeable, then proceed as you'd like.
[ he knows about those risks as well. the longer he spends time with others, the likelier he becomes attached--- begrudgingly so or something the complete opposite. that he becomes familiar and doesn't want those presences to go away. that he might even seek them... let them near a troubled heart, though as of late? leona kingscholar hasn't felt as pressed or stressed on a personal level. yet, the closer others are...
that he's VERY fortunate to know strong mages. fighters. one exorcist. otherwise...
anyway. leona takes a seat. he crosses one leg over the other, slumps into a chair. ]
Okay. [ and he'll start: ] Do you use a stage name?
[A simple enough way to begin. His eyebrows furrow slightly, having expected worse right off the bat. But this is something as good as common knowledge back home.]
Yes. It's a perfectly standard practice in the industry, especially from the school HiMERU trained in. Most of the others here came from a different school, which is why they use their real names.
[It's a question HiMERU has been wondering himself, lately. What's the point anymore? It's a name that drapes loosely around him, that doesn't fit the way it used to now that he knows what he does. But Kaname didn't want it, and now it's his to keep. To discard it would be to discard "HiMERU" entirely, and after that he really would have nothing left to him.]
... You're right. It is primarily out of habit, and even though we are far from home, do not forget that there are still so many here from HiMERU's own world.
[Were he alone, it would be much easier to give up on the act and make a change. But he isn't. Consciously or not, their expectations still bind him.]
That said, it is simply stranger not to do it.
[It's almost always a fluke when he uses the first-person, anyway... aside from with his brother.]
Are you interested in HiMERU's real name, for some reason?
[ okay. it made sense before, it makes more sense when himeru confirms it, and thus it leads to a question that he expects to answer. an interest, a curiosity, that has become more pertinent the longer he's been here--- with that brother of himeru's, to boot. ]
Mhm. [ leona nods. ] I'm interested 'cause both you and Yodaka... you both do it.
[ and they're both important to him in different ways, so why wouldn't he be worried. ]
You said you thought this... Tatsumi guy was dangerous. Does he have to do with you wantin' you and your brother to use these names?
[Either the temperature's dropped a few degrees inside, or someone just mentioned Tatsumi and Kaname in the same breath in HiMERU's presence.
No, he's no mage; he doesn't sap the warmth from the air around them at the drop of a hat, nor is he one to let his emotions go haywire — but there is certainly something stiffer about the way he holds himself upright, something sharper in his eyes that seem to want to pin Leona to his seat for even daring.
... But HiMERU is a professional.]
The names are not related to him.
[It's said so impassively, in that way that is so popular in interviews that touch upon an unpleasant subject: clear enough to dissuade the imagination, succinct enough to discourage further attempts.
Their names may not be related to Tatsumi, but it should be obvious Tatsumi is related to them, somehow.]
[ rather, leona doesn't know. he's not aware. besides--- did himeru think his warnings were immediately ignored and cast aside? no. he asked those who were familiar with both idols and received responses that made him think. leona's no fool; perspective colors all opinions. if it's some personal grudge, leona's not going to insert himself in that.
though, this does change given his relationship with kaname...
... ]
What's he gonna do to your brother?
[ maybe they can find some kind of common ground here... caring for kaname... yeah. ]
[His arms slip to clutch quietly at his own elbows, frowning. It's not something he's had to talk about yet, and he certainly wasn't eager to do so. And even if he had warned Leona before, how is he to know the man really believed him about it? He knows how crazy it sounded without proof. It's why HiMERU never expected anyone from ES to understand, and had taken the risk on an outsider. Coming clean about it could cement that suspicion in Leona, which is advantageous, but...]
If I tell you, you can't breathe a word of it to Yodaka. He... won't believe me either. He isn't ready to know.
[Anyone with respect for HiMERU should let him be the one to tell Kaname too, when the time is right — but there's no telling if the time will ever be right, and people show their "respect" in different ways (it never stopped Matoba from fucking blabbing, but thank fuck his esoteric pattern of speech still flew over Kaname's head)...]
[ carrying a burden like this... some kind of knowledge that he shouldn't tell kaname... leona suddenly feels weight on his shoulders. of course this would concern him in some way. it had to. that was the conclusion he was eventually moving toward.
the beastman frowns, scratching his cheek lightly... thoughtfully. not feigning it. there is only curiosity and the desire to keep both him and his brother safe. protect this kind of brotherly love that leona couldn't have. wouldn't have. because unlike his own family situation, maybe these two could have something better. be equals. ]
For him and you? Yeah. I can.
[ but at the end of the day, it's leona's decision. he measures the worth of knowledge, decides if he needs to spend it later. for his own sake. not for others.
[He scrutinizes Leona in silence for a while longer. It's such an easy thing to swear loyalty, to forge a promise. It's much harder to maintain that. HiMERU had come to Leona once in poorly-masked desperation, because for as confidence and resourceful he makes himself appear — the reality is not so generous. It is HiMERU himself repeatedly limiting his own options, for one reason or the next, and while one should feel closer to a person after having shown them such a vulnerable moment...
One door closes, another opens. He'll regain his bearings with Leona one way or another.]
Fine.
[The line of his back is still straight as an arrow. There's nothing pleasant about delving into this memory, and even standing on the shore of it keeps him rigid. Why go out of the way for a magical memshare? We have reminiscent unhappiness at home.]
... The first thing you should know is that Yodaka is from the past. I've seen things he hasn't yet, things almost no one else here knows about. When I told you that bastard is dangerous, it's because I've seen what he's done, that no one else here can testify to.
[His voice does not waver, but it's distant. His gaze, even further away. HiMERU isn't in the Nest, on the couch of a house on Poppy street; he's there in the auditorium, watching; he's there on the stage, wailing. Every flying fist, every gnash of teeth—]
He incited an angry mob, looked to the person willingly at his side, and made him the sacrificial lamb. Slashing his ankles as the wolves drew nearer. And you know what? He got away with it. Unscathed, unblamed. The higher-ups covered it up so well. Even the boy rotting away in the hospital, robbed of his voice and unable to cry out his injustice.
[His nails dig silently into his skin, only blunted by the sleeves of his shirt.]
... I feel the pain as though it were my own. That it had been me, torn apart and left to die under the spotlights.
[He at least has the agency to withhold saying, "And sometimes I wish it had been." It doesn't matter if he traded places with his brother or not. He would still hate Tatsumi all the same.]
Is it any wonder, then, that I would want him away from my brother?
his mouth is dry as the desert, like the very sand he could turn anything into. sudden realization wells and pools in his throat and no amount of swallowing can get it down. are his eyes watering? maybe... maybe a little. he can practically feel the air wavering around his form, as he clenches his fists and stares pointedly at himeru.
there are truths and lies that make reality look silly.
it's a different kind of anger that fills his head. ooh, he could go out there right now and speak the phrase and just wrap his hands around this tatsumi's neck and not even squeeze. the magic would work and do what it had to do. what he might've done to ruggie was an accident, a... horrible, HORRIBLE accident. but what leona COULD do to this idol who would stand no chance?
his god would find his idol a pile of sand and nothing else.
when leona does find his own voice, it's soft. he reaches a conclusion, and it shakes him to his core. ]
[The sound of an answer brings him back to the present, reminds him these words aren't just for him but to another, and once HiMERU properly sees Leona before him again, he can tell that something has changed.
It's the face of a raging river swollen, a dam threatening to break; at the same time it's a salt flat, beautiful and desolate, littered with cracks. It's a face he knows well, when he looks it in the mirror every single day.
So brittle, so frail. Just one more push in the right place and it could all fall apart. He would only need to tighten his grip, and pull—
HiMERU rises from his seat, closes the gap, and sits himself beside Leona instead. Closer than last time, when HiMERU had been the one a hair-trigger away from something he could regret (and he didn't regret it, in the end, although he still wishes some things had gone a bit differently). His golden eyes watching Leona in his stillness, discerning in their coldness. This soon, this little said, and he would already tear up for Kaname? If HiMERU hadn't spared him the details, he might even be crying. How soft Leona keeps turning out to be. No wonder he's already been ruined once before.
It makes him smile, wry as it is pitying. Maybe Leona would be the first to cry for the truth of it all. HiMERU still hasn't. Perhaps he's been stubbornly keeping it at bay, but whatever the reason... the tears won't come. It'd be nice, then, if someone else would.
HiMERU leans in and whispers like a devil on his shoulder, smiling still.]
Leona Kingscholar, you're the one who asked. Does it make you happy to know? You could've kept it simple for yourself. All I'd asked was for you to keep on eye on that scumbag, and now... Knowing what you do now, will you really be able to stand by and watch?
[A hand slides over Leona's tense forearm, warm and unrepentant.]
... This terrifying secret belongs to us now. Really, I'm scared for you. I thought keeping you blissfully ignorant was key, but you keep coming back and asking for more.
[His fingers clench down, wrapping around Leona's wrist like a shackle. One easily shaken off, but not the implication: You've chosen the path of an accomplice.]
[ he pulls those tears back. with pain comes clarity. was he baiting himeru? no. in reality, he feels an immense amount of sympathy for both of them. however--- it was not himeru who was subjected to the supposed pressure and torture. it was kaname. right? that grin disgusts leona, makes his stomach turn and churn. perhaps he did make a fatal mistake; knowing nothing or very little would keep him in the dark. in the end, he deserves having forbidden knowledge revealed unto him.
does himeru think himself so clever as to believe... someone like leona, who has struggled with his own place in the world, knowing that what he does has no impact on the bearings of his standings, would be so easy to crumble? maybe! maybe.
maybe...
he rubs his face. smacks his own cheeks. both of his ears flit. yeah, he takes himeru's hand with him when he does it. ]
Yeah, a little. [ leona snorts. another cleansing breath. deep in, deep out. ] But you should know by now--- I can protect him in ways you can't.
[ that's the truth of the matter. right? idols are, no matter how beautiful their words or voices are... they're all human. no ounce of natural born magic in any of them. and that makes them weak. ]
And you, too. 'cause what we do here means nothin', but it also means everythin'.
[ is it being protective, or is it being obsessive? the lines are blurred. ]
[HiMERU's hand hangs on with Leona's movements, though the reason for it becomes less clear by the second. But what reason does he really need, other than not wanting to let go? This is Leona's business too, now; it was his choice to dig into it, and he can't just go forgetting that any time soon.
The smile melts away slowly, back into his porcelain indifference.]
You're not beholden to that task. [There are people he expects to look out for Kaname; there are people he will even ask. Leona is neither.] It'll be something you do of your own foolish will, so do not begrudge me if you come out hurt for it. I would prefer you didn't lose your mind for it, after all.
[He would hate to have to do good on their promise.
But even if Leona is trying to be kind and considerate, including HiMERU under that protective wing, afterthought or otherwise... it brings more of a chill to his spine than it does any warmth.]
This is about him. I'll take care of myself, so don't worry about me. If you must, though — let it be so that he doesn't have to cry. If I ever do need any help, you should know by now that I'll come for it.
[Liar. Liar. What a filthy liar.
His eyes turn away from Leona, down and out towards their feet, his voice dropping with it.]
... I don't know how to protect him without clipping his wings, and I'd sooner die than let that be done to him again.
if he wanted for leona to go full berserk, he could've continued to say nothing. perhaps lead him down a dangerous path where he would burn out and then take everyone out with him. a disaster, when the world becomes sand and there's nothing left. in fact--- that's exactly what could happen. instead, he says what he does in order to temper that burning heat, that rage that has been cooling down and now is barely a simmer.
maybe it's not out of personal affection, if anything. there is a stark difference in how he carries himself compared to kaname. polar opposite. but why?
and why... is he lying?
himeru already proved that he would risk himself, though for family, anything is on the table. to have an opportunity to have his brother again, whole and safe, alive and breathing, is probably something he covets. he would want to protect him at all costs. and so, leona understands.
he won't speak about why he feels equally invested in kaname's health. he probably shouldn't. it'll be discovered in time, if it hasn't been already. but he would prefer leona over that tatsumi, right? right. ]
Well, I don't have to follow your rules, so maybe that alone will be helpful.
[ the beastman continues to smile in self-satisfaction. yeah. there are many things he can do. things that he could try. perhaps being a constant presence, something foreign and irresistible, selfish and self-serving... he could teach kaname a thing or two.
but also? he smiles for another reason.
another realization. a façade that has dropped. ]
He's a good kid. I don't wanna see either of you suffer.
[He did say Leona is a free agent, but "not following his rules" — something about that rubs him the wrong way. As much as he wants to relax and trust in someone, whether it be his unitmates, Leona, his brother himself... it's always only a matter of time until they give him reason not to. It's hardly a wonder he's always on edge as of late.]
I can't make you follow my rules, but I would strongly recommend against doing anything you don't want me finding out about. Because I will find out about it. No matter how sneaky or secretive you think you are.
[After all, who knows secrets better than him?
He frowns now, where Leona smiles. Whenever the beastman speaks of both brothers, anything regarding himself practically goes in one ear and out the other for HiMERU. This is about Kaname. This is all for Kaname, and... he's more than happy to take the back-burner if that would give his baby brother the priority he deserves. He's more than happy to be as forgotten as he's allowed to be, although taking shade within the spotlight sounds like an oxymoronic existence.
He isn't the same HiMERU the other met back in November, anyway.]
... If there's ever a choice that you need to make, I want you to choose him.
[ 'strongly recommend' to leona is really just saying nothing. sorry. this is where he must be disrespectful when it comes to himeru's wishes. does he think he's that bright? that smart? what leona wants, leona gets. he's not going to be dissuaded by an empty threat from someone that he will protect no matter what he wants. what he thinks. even if they both suffer from it.
he's made his bed and he'll lie in it. both himeru and kaname will have to enjoy it too. no matter what.
...
they deserve it.
funny how himeru says that last bit, too. yeah. leona's chosen kaname, alright--- in more than one way.
anyway. he lets a moment of silence, of imagined calm, freeze the air... ]
... you slipped.
[ leona doesn't say it to tease or mock himeru. he simply states it. it's why he fully believes that this is the true person he's been speaking to. stands to reason that it makes both brothers very obsessive in ways that... make some odd sense.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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anyway. he's pleased that himeru answered and that he didn't have to resort to 'desperate' measures. or just measures, really. ]
Mm.
[ a soft noise as he walks inside, turning to look back at himeru. both hands on his hips, he puts a little more weight to one side as he leans and continues to stare with a lopsided smile. no menace, no anger. just curiosity ever-growing. ]
Glad you're doin' okay. Figured I'd stop by sometime.
[ all out of concern. that and something else. ]
So you and Yodaka live here. Just you two?
[ just in case. just in case.......... no witnesses :3 ]
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Us, and another coworker who arrived more recently. She's a veritable socialite, though, so she tends to spend most of her time out on the town.
[Especially now that there's more of a town to be engaged in, anyway.
But the point is, for the time being, they're alone.]
It genuinely is good to see you again. It's been some time, hasn't it? You've been in HiMERU's thoughts. [For reasons a little more pressing than his simple smile reveals, but it's easiest to phrase it that way.] Now, did you really just come by to chat, or...?
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Have I? [ leona smiles faintly. ] Wonder why.
[ again, he can make some more assumptions as to why. perhaps it's because leona has been one the few non-idols that hasn't made himeru's life difficult? maybe???
well he's going to change that right away. ]
I heard you're a pretty good cook. That right?
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Depends who's asking, [He answers mildly, tilting his head at Leona. Not everyone gets the newly discovered privilege of enjoying HiMERU's cooking. If Leona is here to mooch a meal, he wouldn't be the first, but... Perhaps HiMERU does owe him that much, in the end.] But why? Having trouble satisfying your appetite?
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[ he'd be happy to snag a meal here, but he'd probably want kaname to be here when he does that. right now--- there is something else that he wants. an opportunity to cash in on good will and favors before he gets any wrong ideas... so that he can have all the right ideas. ]
But I'm gonna make it easy on ya. Okay?
[ because he can. because he wants to show that he can show mercy, or at least, self-control. ]
I want you to answer any question I have, no matter the subject... but you can answer with just yeses or nos. Is that acceptable?
[ and he can let the reactions of a coolheaded and controlled idol determine how strong each response is. ]
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But even with the "generosity" of keeping answers simple, any question, any subject is a little too...]
So what does HiMERU gain by accepting your conditions? And by declining?
[He's not just going to blindly agree, no matter how much he doesn't mind the other's company.]
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[ isn't that valuable? especially when leona is still a powerful mage and himeru is a pretty normal person, despite being an idol? or is knowledge not worth that much now? perhaps it isn't. ]
'sides. Do you think I'd wanna purposefully hurt you?
[ not that leona is offended, because. hey. people are scummy. leona isn't exactly the best example of someone who isn't, but he's had a pretty good track record here. just ask all the idols that've met him! like say... kaname. hehe. ]
But if you decline... well. 'm not stoppin' ya. Was just curious 'bout some things.
[ look how innocent he's being, with his tail flicking and his ears twitching... ]
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[Not himself, anyway. He couldn't care less about what happens to himself, now. But the more he gets entangled with others, the more the risks pile on. Something he's known, proclaimed since the beginning, and yet... Where was it, exactly, that he faltered?
A sigh. HiMERU crosses the room and takes a seat on the couch, folding his legs and hands over his knee like he's poised for an interview. Except this is one he won't bother smiling for. He gestures for Leona to sit as well.]
Then for every question he answers, HiMERU will expect you to answer a question of his, as well. If that sounds fair and agreeable, then proceed as you'd like.
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that he's VERY fortunate to know strong mages. fighters. one exorcist. otherwise...
anyway. leona takes a seat. he crosses one leg over the other, slumps into a chair. ]
Okay. [ and he'll start: ] Do you use a stage name?
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Yes. It's a perfectly standard practice in the industry, especially from the school HiMERU trained in. Most of the others here came from a different school, which is why they use their real names.
[And then, a question of his own:]
Is that outstanding to you, somehow?
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Yeah, it is. It's not like you're back home, so I dunno why you'd keep using aliases other than force of habit or... somethin' else.
[ and it's that something else that has his curiosity piqued. ]
There a specific reason why you do it?
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... You're right. It is primarily out of habit, and even though we are far from home, do not forget that there are still so many here from HiMERU's own world.
[Were he alone, it would be much easier to give up on the act and make a change. But he isn't. Consciously or not, their expectations still bind him.]
That said, it is simply stranger not to do it.
[It's almost always a fluke when he uses the first-person, anyway... aside from with his brother.]
Are you interested in HiMERU's real name, for some reason?
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Mhm. [ leona nods. ] I'm interested 'cause both you and Yodaka... you both do it.
[ and they're both important to him in different ways, so why wouldn't he be worried. ]
You said you thought this... Tatsumi guy was dangerous. Does he have to do with you wantin' you and your brother to use these names?
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No, he's no mage; he doesn't sap the warmth from the air around them at the drop of a hat, nor is he one to let his emotions go haywire — but there is certainly something stiffer about the way he holds himself upright, something sharper in his eyes that seem to want to pin Leona to his seat for even daring.
... But HiMERU is a professional.]
The names are not related to him.
[It's said so impassively, in that way that is so popular in interviews that touch upon an unpleasant subject: clear enough to dissuade the imagination, succinct enough to discourage further attempts.
Their names may not be related to Tatsumi, but it should be obvious Tatsumi is related to them, somehow.]
Is he meeting with my brother? [Careful.]
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[ rather, leona doesn't know. he's not aware. besides--- did himeru think his warnings were immediately ignored and cast aside? no. he asked those who were familiar with both idols and received responses that made him think. leona's no fool; perspective colors all opinions. if it's some personal grudge, leona's not going to insert himself in that.
though, this does change given his relationship with kaname...
... ]
What's he gonna do to your brother?
[ maybe they can find some kind of common ground here... caring for kaname... yeah. ]
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If I tell you, you can't breathe a word of it to Yodaka. He... won't believe me either. He isn't ready to know.
[Anyone with respect for HiMERU should let him be the one to tell Kaname too, when the time is right — but there's no telling if the time will ever be right, and people show their "respect" in different ways (it never stopped Matoba from fucking blabbing, but thank fuck his esoteric pattern of speech still flew over Kaname's head)...]
For his sake, can you swear that to me?
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the beastman frowns, scratching his cheek lightly... thoughtfully. not feigning it. there is only curiosity and the desire to keep both him and his brother safe. protect this kind of brotherly love that leona couldn't have. wouldn't have. because unlike his own family situation, maybe these two could have something better. be equals. ]
For him and you? Yeah. I can.
[ but at the end of the day, it's leona's decision. he measures the worth of knowledge, decides if he needs to spend it later. for his own sake. not for others.
survival of the fittest. ]
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One door closes, another opens. He'll regain his bearings with Leona one way or another.]
Fine.
[The line of his back is still straight as an arrow. There's nothing pleasant about delving into this memory, and even standing on the shore of it keeps him rigid. Why go out of the way for a magical memshare? We have reminiscent unhappiness at home.]
... The first thing you should know is that Yodaka is from the past. I've seen things he hasn't yet, things almost no one else here knows about. When I told you that bastard is dangerous, it's because I've seen what he's done, that no one else here can testify to.
[His voice does not waver, but it's distant. His gaze, even further away. HiMERU isn't in the Nest, on the couch of a house on Poppy street; he's there in the auditorium, watching; he's there on the stage, wailing. Every flying fist, every gnash of teeth—]
He incited an angry mob, looked to the person willingly at his side, and made him the sacrificial lamb. Slashing his ankles as the wolves drew nearer. And you know what? He got away with it. Unscathed, unblamed. The higher-ups covered it up so well. Even the boy rotting away in the hospital, robbed of his voice and unable to cry out his injustice.
[His nails dig silently into his skin, only blunted by the sleeves of his shirt.]
... I feel the pain as though it were my own. That it had been me, torn apart and left to die under the spotlights.
[He at least has the agency to withhold saying, "And sometimes I wish it had been." It doesn't matter if he traded places with his brother or not. He would still hate Tatsumi all the same.]
Is it any wonder, then, that I would want him away from my brother?
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sacrificed.
rotting away in the hospital.
his mouth is dry as the desert, like the very sand he could turn anything into. sudden realization wells and pools in his throat and no amount of swallowing can get it down. are his eyes watering? maybe... maybe a little. he can practically feel the air wavering around his form, as he clenches his fists and stares pointedly at himeru.
there are truths and lies that make reality look silly.
it's a different kind of anger that fills his head. ooh, he could go out there right now and speak the phrase and just wrap his hands around this tatsumi's neck and not even squeeze. the magic would work and do what it had to do. what he might've done to ruggie was an accident, a... horrible, HORRIBLE accident. but what leona COULD do to this idol who would stand no chance?
his god would find his idol a pile of sand and nothing else.
when leona does find his own voice, it's soft. he reaches a conclusion, and it shakes him to his core. ]
No.
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It's the face of a raging river swollen, a dam threatening to break; at the same time it's a salt flat, beautiful and desolate, littered with cracks. It's a face he knows well, when he looks it in the mirror every single day.
So brittle, so frail. Just one more push in the right place and it could all fall apart. He would only need to tighten his grip, and pull—
HiMERU rises from his seat, closes the gap, and sits himself beside Leona instead. Closer than last time, when HiMERU had been the one a hair-trigger away from something he could regret (and he didn't regret it, in the end, although he still wishes some things had gone a bit differently). His golden eyes watching Leona in his stillness, discerning in their coldness. This soon, this little said, and he would already tear up for Kaname? If HiMERU hadn't spared him the details, he might even be crying. How soft Leona keeps turning out to be. No wonder he's already been ruined once before.
It makes him smile, wry as it is pitying. Maybe Leona would be the first to cry for the truth of it all. HiMERU still hasn't. Perhaps he's been stubbornly keeping it at bay, but whatever the reason... the tears won't come. It'd be nice, then, if someone else would.
HiMERU leans in and whispers like a devil on his shoulder, smiling still.]
Leona Kingscholar, you're the one who asked. Does it make you happy to know? You could've kept it simple for yourself. All I'd asked was for you to keep on eye on that scumbag, and now... Knowing what you do now, will you really be able to stand by and watch?
[A hand slides over Leona's tense forearm, warm and unrepentant.]
... This terrifying secret belongs to us now. Really, I'm scared for you. I thought keeping you blissfully ignorant was key, but you keep coming back and asking for more.
[His fingers clench down, wrapping around Leona's wrist like a shackle. One easily shaken off, but not the implication: You've chosen the path of an accomplice.]
You must be a glutton for pain.
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does himeru think himself so clever as to believe... someone like leona, who has struggled with his own place in the world, knowing that what he does has no impact on the bearings of his standings, would be so easy to crumble? maybe! maybe.
maybe...
he rubs his face. smacks his own cheeks. both of his ears flit. yeah, he takes himeru's hand with him when he does it. ]
Yeah, a little. [ leona snorts. another cleansing breath. deep in, deep out. ] But you should know by now--- I can protect him in ways you can't.
[ that's the truth of the matter. right? idols are, no matter how beautiful their words or voices are... they're all human. no ounce of natural born magic in any of them. and that makes them weak. ]
And you, too. 'cause what we do here means nothin', but it also means everythin'.
[ is it being protective, or is it being obsessive? the lines are blurred. ]
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The smile melts away slowly, back into his porcelain indifference.]
You're not beholden to that task. [There are people he expects to look out for Kaname; there are people he will even ask. Leona is neither.] It'll be something you do of your own foolish will, so do not begrudge me if you come out hurt for it. I would prefer you didn't lose your mind for it, after all.
[He would hate to have to do good on their promise.
But even if Leona is trying to be kind and considerate, including HiMERU under that protective wing, afterthought or otherwise... it brings more of a chill to his spine than it does any warmth.]
This is about him. I'll take care of myself, so don't worry about me. If you must, though — let it be so that he doesn't have to cry. If I ever do need any help, you should know by now that I'll come for it.
[Liar. Liar. What a filthy liar.
His eyes turn away from Leona, down and out towards their feet, his voice dropping with it.]
... I don't know how to protect him without clipping his wings, and I'd sooner die than let that be done to him again.
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if he wanted for leona to go full berserk, he could've continued to say nothing. perhaps lead him down a dangerous path where he would burn out and then take everyone out with him. a disaster, when the world becomes sand and there's nothing left. in fact--- that's exactly what could happen. instead, he says what he does in order to temper that burning heat, that rage that has been cooling down and now is barely a simmer.
maybe it's not out of personal affection, if anything. there is a stark difference in how he carries himself compared to kaname. polar opposite. but why?
and why... is he lying?
himeru already proved that he would risk himself, though for family, anything is on the table. to have an opportunity to have his brother again, whole and safe, alive and breathing, is probably something he covets. he would want to protect him at all costs. and so, leona understands.
he won't speak about why he feels equally invested in kaname's health. he probably shouldn't. it'll be discovered in time, if it hasn't been already. but he would prefer leona over that tatsumi, right? right. ]
Well, I don't have to follow your rules, so maybe that alone will be helpful.
[ the beastman continues to smile in self-satisfaction. yeah. there are many things he can do. things that he could try. perhaps being a constant presence, something foreign and irresistible, selfish and self-serving... he could teach kaname a thing or two.
but also? he smiles for another reason.
another realization. a façade that has dropped. ]
He's a good kid. I don't wanna see either of you suffer.
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I can't make you follow my rules, but I would strongly recommend against doing anything you don't want me finding out about. Because I will find out about it. No matter how sneaky or secretive you think you are.
[After all, who knows secrets better than him?
He frowns now, where Leona smiles. Whenever the beastman speaks of both brothers, anything regarding himself practically goes in one ear and out the other for HiMERU. This is about Kaname. This is all for Kaname, and... he's more than happy to take the back-burner if that would give his baby brother the priority he deserves. He's more than happy to be as forgotten as he's allowed to be, although taking shade within the spotlight sounds like an oxymoronic existence.
He isn't the same HiMERU the other met back in November, anyway.]
... If there's ever a choice that you need to make, I want you to choose him.
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he's made his bed and he'll lie in it. both himeru and kaname will have to enjoy it too. no matter what.
...
they deserve it.
funny how himeru says that last bit, too. yeah. leona's chosen kaname, alright--- in more than one way.
anyway. he lets a moment of silence, of imagined calm, freeze the air... ]
... you slipped.
[ leona doesn't say it to tease or mock himeru. he simply states it. it's why he fully believes that this is the true person he's been speaking to. stands to reason that it makes both brothers very obsessive in ways that... make some odd sense.
but he'll still smile inwardly. ]
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