[He doesn't even bother with a rebuttal, merely shifting aside to let Matoba past. It's far too cold out here for him to waste any time bickering about it, and even if he shut the door, Matoba would certainly send one of those paper things flitting after him, pestering him until he got what he wanted in the end. Is this man a tyrant or a spoiled brat, really?
The short trek back to his apartment is silent save for the soft pad of their feet, and once the door shuts behind them HiMERU beelines (haha) for the bed again. He's dropped a number of pretenses with Matoba already, even daring to let him in at this strange hour, but he's still has the mind to not flop down into the covers in front of this company. Though it is tempting. He'll just sit upright, pulling the blankets around himself more tightly.]
... Whatever you're here for, make it quick. Please.
[At the very least, Matoba behaves himself on the trek back. The door is closed behind him, and Matoba waits patiently in the middle of the room for HiMERU to sit again on his bed.]
[Then he approaches the bed, standing over him, with his usual unreadable smile.]
No, why would he know? He was very careful about it. There's a reason he chose that method. The least messy. The least conspicuous. There should be no reason anyone should've been able to guess, even when coupled with his... slightly-off behavior today.
HiMERU pulls the blankets even more snugly, frowning up at Matoba. His arms cross over his abdomen defensively, folding in on himself a bit more.]
... So you're the sort of man who will invite himself into someone's bedroom in the middle of the night to make strange requests. Ah, HiMERU understands now.
[His hand darts out, and his grip is surprisingly strong for a man of his stature. Is he hiding some muscle under that kimono?? (An archer's grip, naturally.) It wrests HiMERU's left wrist from where it was tucking desperately at his side, without care for being delicate.]
[He asked nicely. HiMERU can blame himself for bringing it to this.]
[What he's looking for should be easy enough to find; he just has to look at the vein. The inner elbow...?]
... I see. So the scent of blood wasn't that of a murderer, but of a lamb.
[When Matoba wrenches his arm out, HiMERU hisses with the pain — it's certainly sore, and he's been trying to be careful with it, but the other man clearly has no interest in that.
It's been harder to regulate his body temperature this month even before the blood loss, so Matoba will find the skin under his fingers less warm than one would expect, given his layered cocoon of blankets. Even the sleeve of his jacket comes loose with Matoba's tug, exposing the pale skin of his inner arm... and a dark bruise at the pricking site. Removing the needle hadn't gone as smoothly as he might've liked.
Even in his weakened state, however, his glare is heavy and defiant. Fuck off, he wants to say. But his jaw clenches too tightly, the words too thick in his throat. After what feels like too long staring daggers into Matoba's one eye, he musters the strength to sharply tug his arm back into himself, cradling the wrist and turning his face away.]
[Matoba says after a pause, and lets HiMERU pull his arm back. After a moment of his eye carefully studying the other man, he turns to pull a chair from the table closer so that he can sit in front of the bed.]
One such as you shouldn't be making such dangerous and foolish leaps into the jaws of ayakashi. Why are you so desperate to satiate that place?
[Of course Matoba already knows what this is. Leave it to him to be all in the know on blood sacrifices here, given how cagey he was about it even at first meeting.
His first instinct is to deny that it's an ayakashi, because it's always ayakashi this, ayakashi that with Matoba. But the truth is that he doesn't know. They don't have a name for it, or for most of the phenomena that go on here, so it might as well be the work of ayakashi too.]
It wasn't desperate. [It kind of was.] It was a calculated decision. Everything was set correctly. By all means, it should've been flawless. But there was... a mistake in execution. That's all.
[And that's fine, isn't it? It's human. Mistakes happen all the time. Just not for HiMERU.]
Is it so unimaginable that HiMERU would want to help others? Bold words, coming from you. [His latest charity case...]
[The expression tells him that he has hit his mark... When he had seen that reckless call for blood on the notice board, this had been one of his worries. There was little else that a self-inflicted wound like that could logically have gone towards, and seeing HiMERU's condition at the meeting, the scent of blood on him... Sitting patiently for a response, Matoba doesn't rush or interrupt.]
The execution of giving yourself over to the unknown phenomena in the island. [His voice is precise, unrelenting.] Yes, I understand exactly what you've done. My question to you is: do you understand what it is you're doing?
[He might deny desperation, but humans didn't pray to gods out of convenience. It had always been an uneven relationship, that between humanity and the monsters that deigned to share their power with them. But the relationship was that those monsters needed something from humanity, too.]
[Just why did that "void" need power from them? Not knowing that, Matoba couldn't sit by idly and allow others to sacrifice. His eye closes gently, a deep sigh from his nose preceding his thoughts.]
Above all else, the purpose of an exorcist is to bear the weight of this world that normally goes unseen. Sacrifices who exist to be the focus of monsters so that humanity will no longer suffer them.
[There's a pause, a frown having formed on Matoba's face.] ...For a normal human, the amount of energy given through prayer or sacrifice is very small, but when communities of people would worship gods en masse, the numbers resulted in a great deal of power.
... Those days are long past us. You could bleed your entire body out, Himeru-san, and you alone would never satiate a monster as powerful as the thing which is devouring that island.
[It was cruel to tell him so bluntly that his efforts were useless, perhaps, but it was better than letting the man kill himself. No, moreso than that- before it came to this, those who have the power should have contributed so that he shouldn't have to.]
[That was the purpose of power, after all.] I think that you know that. So, why?
[No, perhaps he doesn't really understand. How could he? In his world, nothing like this existed. They were all things of fiction to him, until he arrived here and saw the unbelievable before his very eyes. Experienced it in full, in such close contact. He can't grasp the intricacies of the magic or the supernatural, especially when it's so inconsistent between every account he's heard from each of the people here. He's guessing.
They're all just guessing, aren't they? Children playing and experimenting. Toying with the world to see what makes it tick, without any clear idea of the consequences. But HiMERU was too smart for that. At least, he had thought so.
Someone else would take care of it. It was someone else's problem. But then it became his too, and he needed to pull more than his share of weight, because it wasn't enough. Because everyone else was the same as him — thinking they're too smart to fall for it, too good for it, hoping and waiting for it to go away on its own. Too hesitant. Too cowardly. It made him sick.]
Then are you saying you'd sacrifice yourself for it? With your almighty, powerful exorcist blood? ... No, of course not. You're much too careful for that.
[Matoba asks him why, but that should be obvious, he thinks. Humans are creatures of simple motivations, barring insanity. He stares into the palms of his hands rather than at Matoba, tracing over the lifeline on his left hand with his eyes.]
You're wrong, if you think it was pointless. It worked. It retracted. I saw it. It'll grow again, so it's only a matter of time, but we need to buy as much time as we can get.
[And then, more softly:] ... I know I'm not enough. But I would give myself a thousand times to it if I could. It still wouldn't be enough, but every minute more would count.
[Even if he lost minutes to death, and darkness, and revival, only to repeat it all again.]
There are people there... trapped. Who will be swallowed by that darkness if nothing is done. If we can't conquer the void, we need time to find a solution. To circumvent it. Get them out of there, and...
[He chances a look up at Matoba. For all his scrutiny, he can't bring himself to believe Matoba won't understand this, even a bit. If exorcists are the thankless saviors he seems to make him out to be — will he condemn him for even this?]
We need time, so I bought it, the only way I know how. Call me a fool if you'd like. But I did what was necessary for me.
Yes, [He answers, steadily,] I am careful not to give power to entities we don't yet understand. Because when you give power to hungry gods, they will not always give you what you think you've been promised. That is a lesson left to me by all who came before me.
[He remembers how Rinne knew immediately who he meant, when he warned him not to trust that Tsuru too easily, that he might have been lying about his involvement. A dallying kami, trotting about the village, but that one was hardly a worry in comparison to whatever had had the power to pull so many souls in under its power in that village.]
[There must be something there that HiMERU is desperate to salvage. Someone. Matoba thinks of the faces he's seen in that village, and how he tells himself that none of it is strictly real.]
[Stay focused. Don't be pulled in by them reading your heart.]
If you give everything and get nothing in return, where will that leave you? Himeru-san, please stop for a moment and think logically about this. That thing is preying on you. I am not saying it may not be an option to feed what is necessary to close the gap, but it's possible that there may be a worse yet fate awaiting them-- all of us-- if whatever is inside that island is fully awakened.
[He's quiet for a long time after Matoba speaks, even long enough that the other might suppose he hadn't heard. Perhaps he'd drifted off, in the tumultuous sea of his mind. But his gaze sits fixed on some distant point behind Matoba's shoulder as he processes the words.
HiMERU's relationship with religion has been a difficult one, to put it lightly. It had never achieved anything good in his mind — false hopes only meant to be crushed by the silence of indifference, guileless souls in the herd like sheep to the slaughter — and he would never have compared that hungering void to a god, or anything of the like. But perhaps it is, as Matoba implies, a monster. Or at least an extension of one.]
[What an ...odd question, Matoba thinks, a detached observation. HiMERU was a strange man for one who couldn't see, and he was only beginning to realize, but it wasn't something he noticed in the way one might notice something out of place or standing out- because everyone he knew was strange. Everyone who saw spirits was twisted, helplessly.]
[That's why unconsciously, he raises his fingertips to slide against the cheekbone at the right side of his face, slipping under the ward that he was certain HiMERU couldn't see, to touch the edges of the scarring under the medical eyepatch underneath. He feels his mouth tilt in a smile, and distantly, ponders that.]
Betrayal. Is that what this is...?
[It itches on the edges of his mind. Every move he's made as a result of his birthright throughout his entire life has felt so sure, so unshakable, and yet when he thinks of it now- of why this fate has fallen on his shoulders- there's only a nagging sensation of desperation- a struggle against a fate he had no choice in.]
Yes. I suppose it's something like that, Himeru-san.
[Matoba drags his fingers along the line of his eyepatch, and HiMERU's eyes chase the motion.
It's not polite to ask about other's injuries. It's not, but Matoba forced himself in and did it anyway. He's still hugging the sore arm close to his body, bruised and cold, and he imagines ripping Matoba's eyepatch off the same way the other man had torn his arm out from its place of safety. Is there an eye left in that socket? Is it sealed shut by some grotesque wound? Is this the price he paid for getting involved with the wrong god?
His right hand twitches against the blankets, but does nothing more. Not yet. He'll give him a chance as Matoba did, but it is up to him whether he refuses as HiMERU did.]
... You become more credible when you share your own stories, you know.
[A lesson for the amateur in positive interaction as Matoba seems to be. A subtle prompt rather than a demand, a weak chiding, and an even weaker threat. Not that he expects his well-being to be Matoba's real concern for coming here.]
[That would be the "normal" reaction, wouldn't it? He's aware of that. In the same way he can recognize and then choose to discard what would be considered the "empathetic" way to express his concern towards HiMERU's obvious distress, Matoba neatly sidesteps the expected forms of interaction and chooses instead the ones that get him directly to his goal, so long as the aftermath is acceptable.]
[It behooves him to act strangely. Monsters were strange.]
[His head turns to glance towards HiMERU's broken, boarded-up window, as if taking a moment to contemplate something beyond it.]
I wonder if you will be able to see it? Certainly, it should show up soon, if this place lacks the means to keep it at bay. [And nothing had ever been strong enough to keep that hungry monster from chasing after its obsession. He turns back to look at the other man, his smile an unreadable mask- obvious in its dissonance, without revealing any of what exactly it was meant to hide.] If it can appear even here, then we should be happy. It means we are not entirely disconnected from our homes.
I can still feel it, searching about somewhere- in this right eye of mine.
[He has no intentions of explaining any further. If someone couldn't see it, it didn't matter anyway.]
[Matoba clasps his hands together, and mulls his presence a moment longer before rising from his chair. He could ask HiMERU just why he's doing this- who was on that island that was so important that he would risk death and disaster from the unknown? But it doesn't really matter in the end- Matoba's opinion won't change whether he knows the exact reason or not.]
[His hands fold into his kimono sleeves as usual; it's still a bit chilly indoors at night, and he's only scrounged up a small extra layer here and there to wear underneath his kimono for added warmth.]
Perhaps you will not take my advice, but I will speak plainly: your blood is not strong enough to enact anything substantial. Think of another option, Himeru-san. Wasteful actions will only cause trouble for others around you. Perhaps even the one whose sake you are acting for.
You do not seem like a man who typically bogs himself down with wastefulness. [It's... a compliment? Support? An observation, Matoba would say if asked.]
[It makes sense, more than he'd like to admit. For someone who had so adamantly denied the existence of anything supernatural or superhuman, anything greater than themselves or the lives they built with their own hands — fortune and fate, gods and gifts, things wished into existence by those who wanted them to — by logic, it so follows that one would become an exorcist after experiencing a haunting.
But for someone as arrogant as Matoba, so confident and boastful in his power to still be followed by something... Something that could even cross worlds just to find him...
If a god had betrayed him, and they continue to search for him in this way... one can assume it was not yet satisfied. That Matoba resisted. Fled, even? Whatever the terms that he had managed to escape from — perhaps not entirely, but enough to gain this distance — HiMERU has a feeling he would've done the same.
There is no god he would surrender to, but there are people he would sacrifice himself for. One person, at least.
... In that case, perhaps Matoba has a point. If HiMERU himself gets entangled with some awakened evil, he won't be able to protect the person he's doing this for in the first place. Doing nothing is no better... but at least he has reason to believe he will wake up again, no matter how close he comes to death's door.]
This was the most efficient way, within my power alone. [Because like hell he was getting anyone else involved.] If my blood is not potent enough to be of use, then perhaps it would not have mattered either had it drained me entirely. The gemstone would've made sure of that.
[No, he's not one for wastefulness on principle. But sometimes other tethers will require them to take wasteful actions, and at least knowing he'd come back from it made it easier to carry out.]
Matoba-san. You spoke of your duty as an exorcist, to bear the weight of the world that people... people like me know nothing about. And is that a duty you would give your life for?
Again and again, if it called for it?
[He has a feeling he knows the answer, but he can't claim Matoba doesn't surprise him still.]
Edited (I LOST THIS IN MY INBOX I'M SO SORRY) 2023-01-18 08:21 (UTC)
[He leaves HiMERU to dream up explanations as he likes, because it told a lot about someone- what monsters they came up with when details were left to the imagination, what judgments they invented in their minds. Ayakashi were the reflections of human anxieties; they were one and the same.]
[Just slightly, Matoba's eyebrow raises. The stone? He wonders, but he doesn't ask for explanation- there was a lot about this world he didn't yet know, and he was aware of that.]
[But as for HiMERU's question- that one was easy to answer.]
Yes.
[Without hesitation. He was born for it, a tool for a clan of hunters, created to bear the weight of people. It was his duty to protect, as it was his duty to produce an heir to be the next tool, as it was his duty to die. Yes, he would give his life- for his people, for humanity, against the scourge of that which they could not defend against without. He served no purpose, otherwise.]
[He turns to leave, but something stops him after a few paces towards the door, turning to look back over his shoulder at the other man.]
But that is a strange question, Himeru-san. We all have but one life to live. If you have the freedom to live yours as you please, then you have the freedom to end it how you choose, too. Don't you think you should choose a less wasteful one?
[Revival mechanics notwithstanding; that isn't 'another life', to him. It may as well be the same as falling unconscious for a while.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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The short trek back to his apartment is silent save for the soft pad of their feet, and once the door shuts behind them HiMERU beelines (haha) for the bed again. He's dropped a number of pretenses with Matoba already, even daring to let him in at this strange hour, but he's still has the mind to not flop down into the covers in front of this company. Though it is tempting. He'll just sit upright, pulling the blankets around himself more tightly.]
... Whatever you're here for, make it quick. Please.
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[Then he approaches the bed, standing over him, with his usual unreadable smile.]
Himeru-san. May I see your left arm?
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No, why would he know? He was very careful about it. There's a reason he chose that method. The least messy. The least conspicuous. There should be no reason anyone should've been able to guess, even when coupled with his... slightly-off behavior today.
HiMERU pulls the blankets even more snugly, frowning up at Matoba. His arms cross over his abdomen defensively, folding in on himself a bit more.]
... So you're the sort of man who will invite himself into someone's bedroom in the middle of the night to make strange requests. Ah, HiMERU understands now.
[Jokes aside:]
Whatever you're thinking of doing, don't.
1/2 ugh
[It's almost flirtatious, except that he looks like a snake.]
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[He asked nicely. HiMERU can blame himself for bringing it to this.]
[What he's looking for should be easy enough to find; he just has to look at the vein. The inner elbow...?]
... I see. So the scent of blood wasn't that of a murderer, but of a lamb.
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It's been harder to regulate his body temperature this month even before the blood loss, so Matoba will find the skin under his fingers less warm than one would expect, given his layered cocoon of blankets. Even the sleeve of his jacket comes loose with Matoba's tug, exposing the pale skin of his inner arm... and a dark bruise at the pricking site. Removing the needle hadn't gone as smoothly as he might've liked.
Even in his weakened state, however, his glare is heavy and defiant. Fuck off, he wants to say. But his jaw clenches too tightly, the words too thick in his throat. After what feels like too long staring daggers into Matoba's one eye, he musters the strength to sharply tug his arm back into himself, cradling the wrist and turning his face away.]
Were you hoping for the former?
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[Matoba says after a pause, and lets HiMERU pull his arm back. After a moment of his eye carefully studying the other man, he turns to pull a chair from the table closer so that he can sit in front of the bed.]
One such as you shouldn't be making such dangerous and foolish leaps into the jaws of ayakashi. Why are you so desperate to satiate that place?
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His first instinct is to deny that it's an ayakashi, because it's always ayakashi this, ayakashi that with Matoba. But the truth is that he doesn't know. They don't have a name for it, or for most of the phenomena that go on here, so it might as well be the work of ayakashi too.]
It wasn't desperate. [It kind of was.] It was a calculated decision. Everything was set correctly. By all means, it should've been flawless. But there was... a mistake in execution. That's all.
[And that's fine, isn't it? It's human. Mistakes happen all the time. Just not for HiMERU.]
Is it so unimaginable that HiMERU would want to help others? Bold words, coming from you. [His latest charity case...]
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The execution of giving yourself over to the unknown phenomena in the island. [His voice is precise, unrelenting.] Yes, I understand exactly what you've done. My question to you is: do you understand what it is you're doing?
[He might deny desperation, but humans didn't pray to gods out of convenience. It had always been an uneven relationship, that between humanity and the monsters that deigned to share their power with them. But the relationship was that those monsters needed something from humanity, too.]
[Just why did that "void" need power from them? Not knowing that, Matoba couldn't sit by idly and allow others to sacrifice. His eye closes gently, a deep sigh from his nose preceding his thoughts.]
Above all else, the purpose of an exorcist is to bear the weight of this world that normally goes unseen. Sacrifices who exist to be the focus of monsters so that humanity will no longer suffer them.
[There's a pause, a frown having formed on Matoba's face.] ...For a normal human, the amount of energy given through prayer or sacrifice is very small, but when communities of people would worship gods en masse, the numbers resulted in a great deal of power.
... Those days are long past us. You could bleed your entire body out, Himeru-san, and you alone would never satiate a monster as powerful as the thing which is devouring that island.
[It was cruel to tell him so bluntly that his efforts were useless, perhaps, but it was better than letting the man kill himself. No, moreso than that- before it came to this, those who have the power should have contributed so that he shouldn't have to.]
[That was the purpose of power, after all.] I think that you know that. So, why?
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They're all just guessing, aren't they? Children playing and experimenting. Toying with the world to see what makes it tick, without any clear idea of the consequences. But HiMERU was too smart for that. At least, he had thought so.
Someone else would take care of it. It was someone else's problem. But then it became his too, and he needed to pull more than his share of weight, because it wasn't enough. Because everyone else was the same as him — thinking they're too smart to fall for it, too good for it, hoping and waiting for it to go away on its own. Too hesitant. Too cowardly. It made him sick.]
Then are you saying you'd sacrifice yourself for it? With your almighty, powerful exorcist blood? ... No, of course not. You're much too careful for that.
[Matoba asks him why, but that should be obvious, he thinks. Humans are creatures of simple motivations, barring insanity. He stares into the palms of his hands rather than at Matoba, tracing over the lifeline on his left hand with his eyes.]
You're wrong, if you think it was pointless. It worked. It retracted. I saw it. It'll grow again, so it's only a matter of time, but we need to buy as much time as we can get.
[And then, more softly:] ... I know I'm not enough. But I would give myself a thousand times to it if I could. It still wouldn't be enough, but every minute more would count.
[Even if he lost minutes to death, and darkness, and revival, only to repeat it all again.]
There are people there... trapped. Who will be swallowed by that darkness if nothing is done. If we can't conquer the void, we need time to find a solution. To circumvent it. Get them out of there, and...
[He chances a look up at Matoba. For all his scrutiny, he can't bring himself to believe Matoba won't understand this, even a bit. If exorcists are the thankless saviors he seems to make him out to be — will he condemn him for even this?]
We need time, so I bought it, the only way I know how. Call me a fool if you'd like. But I did what was necessary for me.
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[He remembers how Rinne knew immediately who he meant, when he warned him not to trust that Tsuru too easily, that he might have been lying about his involvement. A dallying kami, trotting about the village, but that one was hardly a worry in comparison to whatever had had the power to pull so many souls in under its power in that village.]
[There must be something there that HiMERU is desperate to salvage. Someone. Matoba thinks of the faces he's seen in that village, and how he tells himself that none of it is strictly real.]
[Stay focused. Don't be pulled in by them reading your heart.]
If you give everything and get nothing in return, where will that leave you? Himeru-san, please stop for a moment and think logically about this. That thing is preying on you. I am not saying it may not be an option to feed what is necessary to close the gap, but it's possible that there may be a worse yet fate awaiting them-- all of us-- if whatever is inside that island is fully awakened.
no subject
HiMERU's relationship with religion has been a difficult one, to put it lightly. It had never achieved anything good in his mind — false hopes only meant to be crushed by the silence of indifference, guileless souls in the herd like sheep to the slaughter — and he would never have compared that hungering void to a god, or anything of the like. But perhaps it is, as Matoba implies, a monster. Or at least an extension of one.]
... Have you also been betrayed by a god?
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[That's why unconsciously, he raises his fingertips to slide against the cheekbone at the right side of his face, slipping under the ward that he was certain HiMERU couldn't see, to touch the edges of the scarring under the medical eyepatch underneath. He feels his mouth tilt in a smile, and distantly, ponders that.]
Betrayal. Is that what this is...?
[It itches on the edges of his mind. Every move he's made as a result of his birthright throughout his entire life has felt so sure, so unshakable, and yet when he thinks of it now- of why this fate has fallen on his shoulders- there's only a nagging sensation of desperation- a struggle against a fate he had no choice in.]
Yes. I suppose it's something like that, Himeru-san.
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It's not polite to ask about other's injuries. It's not, but Matoba forced himself in and did it anyway. He's still hugging the sore arm close to his body, bruised and cold, and he imagines ripping Matoba's eyepatch off the same way the other man had torn his arm out from its place of safety. Is there an eye left in that socket? Is it sealed shut by some grotesque wound? Is this the price he paid for getting involved with the wrong god?
His right hand twitches against the blankets, but does nothing more. Not yet. He'll give him a chance as Matoba did, but it is up to him whether he refuses as HiMERU did.]
... You become more credible when you share your own stories, you know.
[A lesson for the amateur in positive interaction as Matoba seems to be. A subtle prompt rather than a demand, a weak chiding, and an even weaker threat. Not that he expects his well-being to be Matoba's real concern for coming here.]
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[That would be the "normal" reaction, wouldn't it? He's aware of that. In the same way he can recognize and then choose to discard what would be considered the "empathetic" way to express his concern towards HiMERU's obvious distress, Matoba neatly sidesteps the expected forms of interaction and chooses instead the ones that get him directly to his goal, so long as the aftermath is acceptable.]
[It behooves him to act strangely. Monsters were strange.]
[His head turns to glance towards HiMERU's broken, boarded-up window, as if taking a moment to contemplate something beyond it.]
I wonder if you will be able to see it? Certainly, it should show up soon, if this place lacks the means to keep it at bay. [And nothing had ever been strong enough to keep that hungry monster from chasing after its obsession. He turns back to look at the other man, his smile an unreadable mask- obvious in its dissonance, without revealing any of what exactly it was meant to hide.] If it can appear even here, then we should be happy. It means we are not entirely disconnected from our homes.
I can still feel it, searching about somewhere- in this right eye of mine.
[He has no intentions of explaining any further. If someone couldn't see it, it didn't matter anyway.]
[Matoba clasps his hands together, and mulls his presence a moment longer before rising from his chair. He could ask HiMERU just why he's doing this- who was on that island that was so important that he would risk death and disaster from the unknown? But it doesn't really matter in the end- Matoba's opinion won't change whether he knows the exact reason or not.]
[His hands fold into his kimono sleeves as usual; it's still a bit chilly indoors at night, and he's only scrounged up a small extra layer here and there to wear underneath his kimono for added warmth.]
Perhaps you will not take my advice, but I will speak plainly: your blood is not strong enough to enact anything substantial. Think of another option, Himeru-san. Wasteful actions will only cause trouble for others around you. Perhaps even the one whose sake you are acting for.
You do not seem like a man who typically bogs himself down with wastefulness. [It's... a compliment? Support? An observation, Matoba would say if asked.]
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But for someone as arrogant as Matoba, so confident and boastful in his power to still be followed by something... Something that could even cross worlds just to find him...
If a god had betrayed him, and they continue to search for him in this way... one can assume it was not yet satisfied. That Matoba resisted. Fled, even? Whatever the terms that he had managed to escape from — perhaps not entirely, but enough to gain this distance — HiMERU has a feeling he would've done the same.
There is no god he would surrender to, but there are people he would sacrifice himself for. One person, at least.
... In that case, perhaps Matoba has a point. If HiMERU himself gets entangled with some awakened evil, he won't be able to protect the person he's doing this for in the first place. Doing nothing is no better... but at least he has reason to believe he will wake up again, no matter how close he comes to death's door.]
This was the most efficient way, within my power alone. [Because like hell he was getting anyone else involved.] If my blood is not potent enough to be of use, then perhaps it would not have mattered either had it drained me entirely. The gemstone would've made sure of that.
[No, he's not one for wastefulness on principle. But sometimes other tethers will require them to take wasteful actions, and at least knowing he'd come back from it made it easier to carry out.]
Matoba-san. You spoke of your duty as an exorcist, to bear the weight of the world that people... people like me know nothing about. And is that a duty you would give your life for?
Again and again, if it called for it?
[He has a feeling he knows the answer, but he can't claim Matoba doesn't surprise him still.]
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[Just slightly, Matoba's eyebrow raises. The stone? He wonders, but he doesn't ask for explanation- there was a lot about this world he didn't yet know, and he was aware of that.]
[But as for HiMERU's question- that one was easy to answer.]
Yes.
[Without hesitation. He was born for it, a tool for a clan of hunters, created to bear the weight of people. It was his duty to protect, as it was his duty to produce an heir to be the next tool, as it was his duty to die. Yes, he would give his life- for his people, for humanity, against the scourge of that which they could not defend against without. He served no purpose, otherwise.]
[He turns to leave, but something stops him after a few paces towards the door, turning to look back over his shoulder at the other man.]
But that is a strange question, Himeru-san. We all have but one life to live. If you have the freedom to live yours as you please, then you have the freedom to end it how you choose, too. Don't you think you should choose a less wasteful one?
[Revival mechanics notwithstanding; that isn't 'another life', to him. It may as well be the same as falling unconscious for a while.]