[His arms slip to clutch quietly at his own elbows, frowning. It's not something he's had to talk about yet, and he certainly wasn't eager to do so. And even if he had warned Leona before, how is he to know the man really believed him about it? He knows how crazy it sounded without proof. It's why HiMERU never expected anyone from ES to understand, and had taken the risk on an outsider. Coming clean about it could cement that suspicion in Leona, which is advantageous, but...]
If I tell you, you can't breathe a word of it to Yodaka. He... won't believe me either. He isn't ready to know.
[Anyone with respect for HiMERU should let him be the one to tell Kaname too, when the time is right — but there's no telling if the time will ever be right, and people show their "respect" in different ways (it never stopped Matoba from fucking blabbing, but thank fuck his esoteric pattern of speech still flew over Kaname's head)...]
[ carrying a burden like this... some kind of knowledge that he shouldn't tell kaname... leona suddenly feels weight on his shoulders. of course this would concern him in some way. it had to. that was the conclusion he was eventually moving toward.
the beastman frowns, scratching his cheek lightly... thoughtfully. not feigning it. there is only curiosity and the desire to keep both him and his brother safe. protect this kind of brotherly love that leona couldn't have. wouldn't have. because unlike his own family situation, maybe these two could have something better. be equals. ]
For him and you? Yeah. I can.
[ but at the end of the day, it's leona's decision. he measures the worth of knowledge, decides if he needs to spend it later. for his own sake. not for others.
[He scrutinizes Leona in silence for a while longer. It's such an easy thing to swear loyalty, to forge a promise. It's much harder to maintain that. HiMERU had come to Leona once in poorly-masked desperation, because for as confidence and resourceful he makes himself appear — the reality is not so generous. It is HiMERU himself repeatedly limiting his own options, for one reason or the next, and while one should feel closer to a person after having shown them such a vulnerable moment...
One door closes, another opens. He'll regain his bearings with Leona one way or another.]
Fine.
[The line of his back is still straight as an arrow. There's nothing pleasant about delving into this memory, and even standing on the shore of it keeps him rigid. Why go out of the way for a magical memshare? We have reminiscent unhappiness at home.]
... The first thing you should know is that Yodaka is from the past. I've seen things he hasn't yet, things almost no one else here knows about. When I told you that bastard is dangerous, it's because I've seen what he's done, that no one else here can testify to.
[His voice does not waver, but it's distant. His gaze, even further away. HiMERU isn't in the Nest, on the couch of a house on Poppy street; he's there in the auditorium, watching; he's there on the stage, wailing. Every flying fist, every gnash of teeth—]
He incited an angry mob, looked to the person willingly at his side, and made him the sacrificial lamb. Slashing his ankles as the wolves drew nearer. And you know what? He got away with it. Unscathed, unblamed. The higher-ups covered it up so well. Even the boy rotting away in the hospital, robbed of his voice and unable to cry out his injustice.
[His nails dig silently into his skin, only blunted by the sleeves of his shirt.]
... I feel the pain as though it were my own. That it had been me, torn apart and left to die under the spotlights.
[He at least has the agency to withhold saying, "And sometimes I wish it had been." It doesn't matter if he traded places with his brother or not. He would still hate Tatsumi all the same.]
Is it any wonder, then, that I would want him away from my brother?
his mouth is dry as the desert, like the very sand he could turn anything into. sudden realization wells and pools in his throat and no amount of swallowing can get it down. are his eyes watering? maybe... maybe a little. he can practically feel the air wavering around his form, as he clenches his fists and stares pointedly at himeru.
there are truths and lies that make reality look silly.
it's a different kind of anger that fills his head. ooh, he could go out there right now and speak the phrase and just wrap his hands around this tatsumi's neck and not even squeeze. the magic would work and do what it had to do. what he might've done to ruggie was an accident, a... horrible, HORRIBLE accident. but what leona COULD do to this idol who would stand no chance?
his god would find his idol a pile of sand and nothing else.
when leona does find his own voice, it's soft. he reaches a conclusion, and it shakes him to his core. ]
[The sound of an answer brings him back to the present, reminds him these words aren't just for him but to another, and once HiMERU properly sees Leona before him again, he can tell that something has changed.
It's the face of a raging river swollen, a dam threatening to break; at the same time it's a salt flat, beautiful and desolate, littered with cracks. It's a face he knows well, when he looks it in the mirror every single day.
So brittle, so frail. Just one more push in the right place and it could all fall apart. He would only need to tighten his grip, and pull—
HiMERU rises from his seat, closes the gap, and sits himself beside Leona instead. Closer than last time, when HiMERU had been the one a hair-trigger away from something he could regret (and he didn't regret it, in the end, although he still wishes some things had gone a bit differently). His golden eyes watching Leona in his stillness, discerning in their coldness. This soon, this little said, and he would already tear up for Kaname? If HiMERU hadn't spared him the details, he might even be crying. How soft Leona keeps turning out to be. No wonder he's already been ruined once before.
It makes him smile, wry as it is pitying. Maybe Leona would be the first to cry for the truth of it all. HiMERU still hasn't. Perhaps he's been stubbornly keeping it at bay, but whatever the reason... the tears won't come. It'd be nice, then, if someone else would.
HiMERU leans in and whispers like a devil on his shoulder, smiling still.]
Leona Kingscholar, you're the one who asked. Does it make you happy to know? You could've kept it simple for yourself. All I'd asked was for you to keep on eye on that scumbag, and now... Knowing what you do now, will you really be able to stand by and watch?
[A hand slides over Leona's tense forearm, warm and unrepentant.]
... This terrifying secret belongs to us now. Really, I'm scared for you. I thought keeping you blissfully ignorant was key, but you keep coming back and asking for more.
[His fingers clench down, wrapping around Leona's wrist like a shackle. One easily shaken off, but not the implication: You've chosen the path of an accomplice.]
[ he pulls those tears back. with pain comes clarity. was he baiting himeru? no. in reality, he feels an immense amount of sympathy for both of them. however--- it was not himeru who was subjected to the supposed pressure and torture. it was kaname. right? that grin disgusts leona, makes his stomach turn and churn. perhaps he did make a fatal mistake; knowing nothing or very little would keep him in the dark. in the end, he deserves having forbidden knowledge revealed unto him.
does himeru think himself so clever as to believe... someone like leona, who has struggled with his own place in the world, knowing that what he does has no impact on the bearings of his standings, would be so easy to crumble? maybe! maybe.
maybe...
he rubs his face. smacks his own cheeks. both of his ears flit. yeah, he takes himeru's hand with him when he does it. ]
Yeah, a little. [ leona snorts. another cleansing breath. deep in, deep out. ] But you should know by now--- I can protect him in ways you can't.
[ that's the truth of the matter. right? idols are, no matter how beautiful their words or voices are... they're all human. no ounce of natural born magic in any of them. and that makes them weak. ]
And you, too. 'cause what we do here means nothin', but it also means everythin'.
[ is it being protective, or is it being obsessive? the lines are blurred. ]
[HiMERU's hand hangs on with Leona's movements, though the reason for it becomes less clear by the second. But what reason does he really need, other than not wanting to let go? This is Leona's business too, now; it was his choice to dig into it, and he can't just go forgetting that any time soon.
The smile melts away slowly, back into his porcelain indifference.]
You're not beholden to that task. [There are people he expects to look out for Kaname; there are people he will even ask. Leona is neither.] It'll be something you do of your own foolish will, so do not begrudge me if you come out hurt for it. I would prefer you didn't lose your mind for it, after all.
[He would hate to have to do good on their promise.
But even if Leona is trying to be kind and considerate, including HiMERU under that protective wing, afterthought or otherwise... it brings more of a chill to his spine than it does any warmth.]
This is about him. I'll take care of myself, so don't worry about me. If you must, though — let it be so that he doesn't have to cry. If I ever do need any help, you should know by now that I'll come for it.
[Liar. Liar. What a filthy liar.
His eyes turn away from Leona, down and out towards their feet, his voice dropping with it.]
... I don't know how to protect him without clipping his wings, and I'd sooner die than let that be done to him again.
if he wanted for leona to go full berserk, he could've continued to say nothing. perhaps lead him down a dangerous path where he would burn out and then take everyone out with him. a disaster, when the world becomes sand and there's nothing left. in fact--- that's exactly what could happen. instead, he says what he does in order to temper that burning heat, that rage that has been cooling down and now is barely a simmer.
maybe it's not out of personal affection, if anything. there is a stark difference in how he carries himself compared to kaname. polar opposite. but why?
and why... is he lying?
himeru already proved that he would risk himself, though for family, anything is on the table. to have an opportunity to have his brother again, whole and safe, alive and breathing, is probably something he covets. he would want to protect him at all costs. and so, leona understands.
he won't speak about why he feels equally invested in kaname's health. he probably shouldn't. it'll be discovered in time, if it hasn't been already. but he would prefer leona over that tatsumi, right? right. ]
Well, I don't have to follow your rules, so maybe that alone will be helpful.
[ the beastman continues to smile in self-satisfaction. yeah. there are many things he can do. things that he could try. perhaps being a constant presence, something foreign and irresistible, selfish and self-serving... he could teach kaname a thing or two.
but also? he smiles for another reason.
another realization. a façade that has dropped. ]
He's a good kid. I don't wanna see either of you suffer.
[He did say Leona is a free agent, but "not following his rules" — something about that rubs him the wrong way. As much as he wants to relax and trust in someone, whether it be his unitmates, Leona, his brother himself... it's always only a matter of time until they give him reason not to. It's hardly a wonder he's always on edge as of late.]
I can't make you follow my rules, but I would strongly recommend against doing anything you don't want me finding out about. Because I will find out about it. No matter how sneaky or secretive you think you are.
[After all, who knows secrets better than him?
He frowns now, where Leona smiles. Whenever the beastman speaks of both brothers, anything regarding himself practically goes in one ear and out the other for HiMERU. This is about Kaname. This is all for Kaname, and... he's more than happy to take the back-burner if that would give his baby brother the priority he deserves. He's more than happy to be as forgotten as he's allowed to be, although taking shade within the spotlight sounds like an oxymoronic existence.
He isn't the same HiMERU the other met back in November, anyway.]
... If there's ever a choice that you need to make, I want you to choose him.
[ 'strongly recommend' to leona is really just saying nothing. sorry. this is where he must be disrespectful when it comes to himeru's wishes. does he think he's that bright? that smart? what leona wants, leona gets. he's not going to be dissuaded by an empty threat from someone that he will protect no matter what he wants. what he thinks. even if they both suffer from it.
he's made his bed and he'll lie in it. both himeru and kaname will have to enjoy it too. no matter what.
...
they deserve it.
funny how himeru says that last bit, too. yeah. leona's chosen kaname, alright--- in more than one way.
anyway. he lets a moment of silence, of imagined calm, freeze the air... ]
... you slipped.
[ leona doesn't say it to tease or mock himeru. he simply states it. it's why he fully believes that this is the true person he's been speaking to. stands to reason that it makes both brothers very obsessive in ways that... make some odd sense.
[It's those two words that make him remember himself, which he seems to find harder and harder to do these days. He's aware again of the hand still holding onto Leona's arm, and just as he says — he slips. He lets it fall away, makes himself turn away again, eyebrows furrowing together in some vague and misplaced irritation.
Which time, he almost wants to ask. It's been happening far too often for his liking as of late. But Leona has already seen more than enough of it; he doesn't need to know just how far off the deep end HiMERU has gone in these past few months. No one is entitled to know the extent of his shame in that way, and if he continues to have his way, no one ever will (as far as he's aware, that is...).]
I don't know what you're talking about.
[Stubborn disinterest, affected ignorance. Hot and cold, hot and cold. He's already surrendered enough to give up the third-person charade in this space. Any more than that is more generosity than Leona deserves... or so he'll tell himself.]
... Don't look so pleased with yourself. It didn't have to be you.
[It could've been anyone. Really, it could have. This was all just... the most convenient, for everyone involved.]
[ with a gentle snort, leona folds his arms back across his chest, continuing to look pretty damn pleased. does himeru understand exactly who he's talking about? someone who has spent every day playing a game of chess with his main adviser, who understands how to maneuver around his enemies. he's been planning how to be a better king for his entire life, despite not being allowed to take the throne. if this idol wants to play the part of some kind of villain, he better be ready to get meet a real one.
the tenacity of the king of beasts... embodied in leona kingscholar. he won't be outdone. he'll discover truths himself, even when it comes from someone who believes he can find anything out. ]
But you wanted it.
[ convenience or not, leona is here. it never has to be or need to be anyone. ]
[Wants, wanted, wanting. Come to think of it, why are people so damn interested in what he "really" wants? The answers seem pretty clear-cut to him lately. It's just a matter of social propriety for whether he should really be saying these things aloud. Knowing the end goal is easy enough, but figuring out the steps towards that is the real challenge...
And if he has to make a stepping stone out of a lion, he will.]
If I did, this would be a very different conversation.
[He's only forced to keep up appearances with Tatsumi, and only for their history together. Discord between fellow idols is far from unheard of (here's looking at you, "Sena-senpai"...). Everyone else? Free game.
HiMERU eyes Leona dubiously, quirking a displeased brow.]
Why? Do you intend to earn my ire? Once you have it, know that it's not so easily displaced again. [just in case you couldn't fucking tell]
Nah, not intendin'. If I did, we wouldn't be speakin'. You gave me somethin' pretty precious... and you have it now, unblemished.
[ and what he means is--- he could've incapacitated himeru months ago if he wanted. hell, there's nothing stopping him from going apeshit on him now. lash out with magic, turn the idol into sand, blame it on some an otherworldly demon or something. maybe a zombie ate him. there are so, so many ways... ]
What I'm sayin' is... if there's a way to make things different, I think it'd be worth pursuin'.
[ can fate be easily changed? if they can be randomly pulled here, then why the hell not?
[... Mmmm. MMmmmmmMmmm. They'd managed this long without bringing it up, even if it'd been resting in the back of HiMERU's mind like a wheedling ghost, craving to be acknowledged and addressed. Even now, Leona's said it without really saying it, but... it still makes his hair stand on end, a little.
Back then, he'd done what he had to do. It was fine in the moment, as "fine" as fine could be, and he certainly doesn't regret pursuing Kaname like he did — but no matter the impulse at the time, no matter the strange lightweight feeling he'd been so confident in when he wrapped Leona's hand around his very life, all regrets catch up eventually.
He regrets baring himself that way, leaving himself so vulnerable in practically a stranger's hands... It's almost like he wasn't himself in the second he made that decision, but there were a number of things off that night to begin with, not just with him.
He regrets opening himself to hurt, he regrets laying that weight of responsibility on someone who could very well be no one, he regrets coming to face both of those things here and now with nary an intention to look it in the eye.
No, Leona didn't hurt him that night, nor does he seem to ever want to, but still. But still. (When he'd come to him that next morning to retrieve his gemstone, it was a concerted effort to keep his expression sharply blank, when all he could dwell on was what a mistake he must have made.)
This time when he looks up at the beastman, the suspicion is gone, and he's back to something poised and neutral, though if you squint... one might find a shadow of melancholy.]
... Of course. I don't intend to let things run the course of chaos they already had, back home. Mistakes like that are supposed to be learned from.
[A slow, careful breath.]
Now, there are more people to help protect him. And yet, there are more who stand to harm him, too. So — what's your plan, oh great and mighty mage? If you have one, that is.
[ leona doesn't smile. he has no reason to, not right now. how somber everything can become in a blink of an eye, when painful realizations set in and a heavier burden is now resting on his back--- invisible arms hanging off of them with a slender body attached. to keep them both alive and safe, what could he do with his current knowledge? probably not much. he's a strong mage, sure, but that comes with practice. natural ability raises the floor. it doesn't touch the ceiling. ]
Not gonna let anyone touch him, that's for starters.
[ maybe it sounds exactly like himeru wants--- for leona to keep kaname safe. but of course, he means something completely different.
but he keeps his expression calm and stone-like. ]
'm sure there's probably some kind of magic that I don't know 'bout here. Would explain a lot. If I can bend it to my will, then... then I think that'd be best.
[ because who else would be strong enough to control it? ]
Even if I can't learn it, I can learn about it. Shouldn't be over my head. Might suck in school, but I had enough private lessons to probably teach my own classes.
[ it's true. the only thing that holds him back is laziness. ]
But if you find anything out? If you come 'cross somethin' important? You better not keep it under wraps.
What good would that important information do me, not being shared? ... For the most part, we want the same things.
[Which is to say, obviously he'd tell. But maybe not always immediately, impulsively; that's not his style. Maybe after holding onto it for a little bit, long enough to digest it and ensure something can be made of it — or even after determining there's not much he can make of it himself, and passing it to another — but eventually, he'd get it to Leona.
His secretive habits certainly are habits, but there are reasons for hiding things, and reasons for sharing, too.]
You aren't in school anymore, so realign your motivations. You certainly don't need me telling you how to get the things you want.
[They'd shown from the start, after all, they were both the type to take what they wanted with their own two hands.
Good question. Not everyone likes to stick to what makes sense. You might wanna hide somethin' that you think might be best served for later and it ends up bein' way more than that.
[ it's pretty much a warning, and not necessarily a threat. he wants both himeru and kaname to make it out alive. even if the former doesn't particularly care about his own well-being... that's why leona's even more concerned. what if it's a situation where himeru knows something that'll make the beastman want to save both? he's pretty sure this guy won't suddenly lack some sense of self-preservation...
maybe.
... ]
Nah. Wanted to do one more thing, actually.
[ he stands up. he turns, tail twisting with him, as he faces himeru and stares at him. leona's eyes narrow. ]
Tell him I came by, okay? Maybe next time we can all go out or somethin'. He also said you were a really good cook.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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If I tell you, you can't breathe a word of it to Yodaka. He... won't believe me either. He isn't ready to know.
[Anyone with respect for HiMERU should let him be the one to tell Kaname too, when the time is right — but there's no telling if the time will ever be right, and people show their "respect" in different ways (it never stopped Matoba from fucking blabbing, but thank fuck his esoteric pattern of speech still flew over Kaname's head)...]
For his sake, can you swear that to me?
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the beastman frowns, scratching his cheek lightly... thoughtfully. not feigning it. there is only curiosity and the desire to keep both him and his brother safe. protect this kind of brotherly love that leona couldn't have. wouldn't have. because unlike his own family situation, maybe these two could have something better. be equals. ]
For him and you? Yeah. I can.
[ but at the end of the day, it's leona's decision. he measures the worth of knowledge, decides if he needs to spend it later. for his own sake. not for others.
survival of the fittest. ]
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One door closes, another opens. He'll regain his bearings with Leona one way or another.]
Fine.
[The line of his back is still straight as an arrow. There's nothing pleasant about delving into this memory, and even standing on the shore of it keeps him rigid. Why go out of the way for a magical memshare? We have reminiscent unhappiness at home.]
... The first thing you should know is that Yodaka is from the past. I've seen things he hasn't yet, things almost no one else here knows about. When I told you that bastard is dangerous, it's because I've seen what he's done, that no one else here can testify to.
[His voice does not waver, but it's distant. His gaze, even further away. HiMERU isn't in the Nest, on the couch of a house on Poppy street; he's there in the auditorium, watching; he's there on the stage, wailing. Every flying fist, every gnash of teeth—]
He incited an angry mob, looked to the person willingly at his side, and made him the sacrificial lamb. Slashing his ankles as the wolves drew nearer. And you know what? He got away with it. Unscathed, unblamed. The higher-ups covered it up so well. Even the boy rotting away in the hospital, robbed of his voice and unable to cry out his injustice.
[His nails dig silently into his skin, only blunted by the sleeves of his shirt.]
... I feel the pain as though it were my own. That it had been me, torn apart and left to die under the spotlights.
[He at least has the agency to withhold saying, "And sometimes I wish it had been." It doesn't matter if he traded places with his brother or not. He would still hate Tatsumi all the same.]
Is it any wonder, then, that I would want him away from my brother?
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sacrificed.
rotting away in the hospital.
his mouth is dry as the desert, like the very sand he could turn anything into. sudden realization wells and pools in his throat and no amount of swallowing can get it down. are his eyes watering? maybe... maybe a little. he can practically feel the air wavering around his form, as he clenches his fists and stares pointedly at himeru.
there are truths and lies that make reality look silly.
it's a different kind of anger that fills his head. ooh, he could go out there right now and speak the phrase and just wrap his hands around this tatsumi's neck and not even squeeze. the magic would work and do what it had to do. what he might've done to ruggie was an accident, a... horrible, HORRIBLE accident. but what leona COULD do to this idol who would stand no chance?
his god would find his idol a pile of sand and nothing else.
when leona does find his own voice, it's soft. he reaches a conclusion, and it shakes him to his core. ]
No.
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It's the face of a raging river swollen, a dam threatening to break; at the same time it's a salt flat, beautiful and desolate, littered with cracks. It's a face he knows well, when he looks it in the mirror every single day.
So brittle, so frail. Just one more push in the right place and it could all fall apart. He would only need to tighten his grip, and pull—
HiMERU rises from his seat, closes the gap, and sits himself beside Leona instead. Closer than last time, when HiMERU had been the one a hair-trigger away from something he could regret (and he didn't regret it, in the end, although he still wishes some things had gone a bit differently). His golden eyes watching Leona in his stillness, discerning in their coldness. This soon, this little said, and he would already tear up for Kaname? If HiMERU hadn't spared him the details, he might even be crying. How soft Leona keeps turning out to be. No wonder he's already been ruined once before.
It makes him smile, wry as it is pitying. Maybe Leona would be the first to cry for the truth of it all. HiMERU still hasn't. Perhaps he's been stubbornly keeping it at bay, but whatever the reason... the tears won't come. It'd be nice, then, if someone else would.
HiMERU leans in and whispers like a devil on his shoulder, smiling still.]
Leona Kingscholar, you're the one who asked. Does it make you happy to know? You could've kept it simple for yourself. All I'd asked was for you to keep on eye on that scumbag, and now... Knowing what you do now, will you really be able to stand by and watch?
[A hand slides over Leona's tense forearm, warm and unrepentant.]
... This terrifying secret belongs to us now. Really, I'm scared for you. I thought keeping you blissfully ignorant was key, but you keep coming back and asking for more.
[His fingers clench down, wrapping around Leona's wrist like a shackle. One easily shaken off, but not the implication: You've chosen the path of an accomplice.]
You must be a glutton for pain.
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does himeru think himself so clever as to believe... someone like leona, who has struggled with his own place in the world, knowing that what he does has no impact on the bearings of his standings, would be so easy to crumble? maybe! maybe.
maybe...
he rubs his face. smacks his own cheeks. both of his ears flit. yeah, he takes himeru's hand with him when he does it. ]
Yeah, a little. [ leona snorts. another cleansing breath. deep in, deep out. ] But you should know by now--- I can protect him in ways you can't.
[ that's the truth of the matter. right? idols are, no matter how beautiful their words or voices are... they're all human. no ounce of natural born magic in any of them. and that makes them weak. ]
And you, too. 'cause what we do here means nothin', but it also means everythin'.
[ is it being protective, or is it being obsessive? the lines are blurred. ]
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The smile melts away slowly, back into his porcelain indifference.]
You're not beholden to that task. [There are people he expects to look out for Kaname; there are people he will even ask. Leona is neither.] It'll be something you do of your own foolish will, so do not begrudge me if you come out hurt for it. I would prefer you didn't lose your mind for it, after all.
[He would hate to have to do good on their promise.
But even if Leona is trying to be kind and considerate, including HiMERU under that protective wing, afterthought or otherwise... it brings more of a chill to his spine than it does any warmth.]
This is about him. I'll take care of myself, so don't worry about me. If you must, though — let it be so that he doesn't have to cry. If I ever do need any help, you should know by now that I'll come for it.
[Liar. Liar. What a filthy liar.
His eyes turn away from Leona, down and out towards their feet, his voice dropping with it.]
... I don't know how to protect him without clipping his wings, and I'd sooner die than let that be done to him again.
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if he wanted for leona to go full berserk, he could've continued to say nothing. perhaps lead him down a dangerous path where he would burn out and then take everyone out with him. a disaster, when the world becomes sand and there's nothing left. in fact--- that's exactly what could happen. instead, he says what he does in order to temper that burning heat, that rage that has been cooling down and now is barely a simmer.
maybe it's not out of personal affection, if anything. there is a stark difference in how he carries himself compared to kaname. polar opposite. but why?
and why... is he lying?
himeru already proved that he would risk himself, though for family, anything is on the table. to have an opportunity to have his brother again, whole and safe, alive and breathing, is probably something he covets. he would want to protect him at all costs. and so, leona understands.
he won't speak about why he feels equally invested in kaname's health. he probably shouldn't. it'll be discovered in time, if it hasn't been already. but he would prefer leona over that tatsumi, right? right. ]
Well, I don't have to follow your rules, so maybe that alone will be helpful.
[ the beastman continues to smile in self-satisfaction. yeah. there are many things he can do. things that he could try. perhaps being a constant presence, something foreign and irresistible, selfish and self-serving... he could teach kaname a thing or two.
but also? he smiles for another reason.
another realization. a façade that has dropped. ]
He's a good kid. I don't wanna see either of you suffer.
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I can't make you follow my rules, but I would strongly recommend against doing anything you don't want me finding out about. Because I will find out about it. No matter how sneaky or secretive you think you are.
[After all, who knows secrets better than him?
He frowns now, where Leona smiles. Whenever the beastman speaks of both brothers, anything regarding himself practically goes in one ear and out the other for HiMERU. This is about Kaname. This is all for Kaname, and... he's more than happy to take the back-burner if that would give his baby brother the priority he deserves. He's more than happy to be as forgotten as he's allowed to be, although taking shade within the spotlight sounds like an oxymoronic existence.
He isn't the same HiMERU the other met back in November, anyway.]
... If there's ever a choice that you need to make, I want you to choose him.
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he's made his bed and he'll lie in it. both himeru and kaname will have to enjoy it too. no matter what.
...
they deserve it.
funny how himeru says that last bit, too. yeah. leona's chosen kaname, alright--- in more than one way.
anyway. he lets a moment of silence, of imagined calm, freeze the air... ]
... you slipped.
[ leona doesn't say it to tease or mock himeru. he simply states it. it's why he fully believes that this is the true person he's been speaking to. stands to reason that it makes both brothers very obsessive in ways that... make some odd sense.
but he'll still smile inwardly. ]
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Which time, he almost wants to ask. It's been happening far too often for his liking as of late. But Leona has already seen more than enough of it; he doesn't need to know just how far off the deep end HiMERU has gone in these past few months. No one is entitled to know the extent of his shame in that way, and if he continues to have his way, no one ever will (as far as he's aware, that is...).]
I don't know what you're talking about.
[Stubborn disinterest, affected ignorance. Hot and cold, hot and cold. He's already surrendered enough to give up the third-person charade in this space. Any more than that is more generosity than Leona deserves... or so he'll tell himself.]
... Don't look so pleased with yourself. It didn't have to be you.
[It could've been anyone. Really, it could have. This was all just... the most convenient, for everyone involved.]
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the tenacity of the king of beasts... embodied in leona kingscholar. he won't be outdone. he'll discover truths himself, even when it comes from someone who believes he can find anything out. ]
But you wanted it.
[ convenience or not, leona is here. it never has to be or need to be anyone. ]
Do you hate me, HiMERU?
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And if he has to make a stepping stone out of a lion, he will.]
If I did, this would be a very different conversation.
[He's only forced to keep up appearances with Tatsumi, and only for their history together. Discord between fellow idols is far from unheard of (here's looking at you, "Sena-senpai"...). Everyone else? Free game.
HiMERU eyes Leona dubiously, quirking a displeased brow.]
Why? Do you intend to earn my ire? Once you have it, know that it's not so easily displaced again. [just in case you couldn't fucking tell]
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Nah, not intendin'. If I did, we wouldn't be speakin'. You gave me somethin' pretty precious... and you have it now, unblemished.
[ and what he means is--- he could've incapacitated himeru months ago if he wanted. hell, there's nothing stopping him from going apeshit on him now. lash out with magic, turn the idol into sand, blame it on some an otherworldly demon or something. maybe a zombie ate him. there are so, so many ways... ]
What I'm sayin' is... if there's a way to make things different, I think it'd be worth pursuin'.
[ can fate be easily changed? if they can be randomly pulled here, then why the hell not?
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Back then, he'd done what he had to do. It was fine in the moment, as "fine" as fine could be, and he certainly doesn't regret pursuing Kaname like he did — but no matter the impulse at the time, no matter the strange lightweight feeling he'd been so confident in when he wrapped Leona's hand around his very life, all regrets catch up eventually.
He regrets baring himself that way, leaving himself so vulnerable in practically a stranger's hands... It's almost like he wasn't himself in the second he made that decision, but there were a number of things off that night to begin with, not just with him.
He regrets opening himself to hurt, he regrets laying that weight of responsibility on someone who could very well be no one, he regrets coming to face both of those things here and now with nary an intention to look it in the eye.
No, Leona didn't hurt him that night, nor does he seem to ever want to, but still. But still. (When he'd come to him that next morning to retrieve his gemstone, it was a concerted effort to keep his expression sharply blank, when all he could dwell on was what a mistake he must have made.)
This time when he looks up at the beastman, the suspicion is gone, and he's back to something poised and neutral, though if you squint... one might find a shadow of melancholy.]
... Of course. I don't intend to let things run the course of chaos they already had, back home. Mistakes like that are supposed to be learned from.
[A slow, careful breath.]
Now, there are more people to help protect him. And yet, there are more who stand to harm him, too. So — what's your plan, oh great and mighty mage? If you have one, that is.
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Not gonna let anyone touch him, that's for starters.
[ maybe it sounds exactly like himeru wants--- for leona to keep kaname safe. but of course, he means something completely different.
but he keeps his expression calm and stone-like. ]
'm sure there's probably some kind of magic that I don't know 'bout here. Would explain a lot. If I can bend it to my will, then... then I think that'd be best.
[ because who else would be strong enough to control it? ]
Even if I can't learn it, I can learn about it. Shouldn't be over my head. Might suck in school, but I had enough private lessons to probably teach my own classes.
[ it's true. the only thing that holds him back is laziness. ]
But if you find anything out? If you come 'cross somethin' important? You better not keep it under wraps.
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[Which is to say, obviously he'd tell. But maybe not always immediately, impulsively; that's not his style. Maybe after holding onto it for a little bit, long enough to digest it and ensure something can be made of it — or even after determining there's not much he can make of it himself, and passing it to another — but eventually, he'd get it to Leona.
His secretive habits certainly are habits, but there are reasons for hiding things, and reasons for sharing, too.]
You aren't in school anymore, so realign your motivations. You certainly don't need me telling you how to get the things you want.
[They'd shown from the start, after all, they were both the type to take what they wanted with their own two hands.
HiMERU casts a sidelong glance at the other.]
Was this all you wanted from this visit, then?
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[ it's pretty much a warning, and not necessarily a threat. he wants both himeru and kaname to make it out alive. even if the former doesn't particularly care about his own well-being... that's why leona's even more concerned. what if it's a situation where himeru knows something that'll make the beastman want to save both? he's pretty sure this guy won't suddenly lack some sense of self-preservation...
maybe.
... ]
Nah. Wanted to do one more thing, actually.
[ he stands up. he turns, tail twisting with him, as he faces himeru and stares at him. leona's eyes narrow. ]
Tell him I came by, okay? Maybe next time we can all go out or somethin'. He also said you were a really good cook.