It's pretty hard to tell, honestly... [He reaches into his pocket for the gem. He can tell which one it is without even having to look at it. He'll hold it out so HiMERU can see it—it really doesn't look any different from what he would be familiar with.] But I know because it's just like mine. I guess it feels a little lighter than before? Kinda like it's not as solid. I know I'm not imagining it.
[Because he's held it before, but also because it's Rinne. He practically made it his business to know.]
He wouldn't have asked me to look after it if he didn't know it could be dangerous, so it's not like... I mean, we both knew. But I watched him die, you know? So...
[So he really can't help but fear the worst. He always does, actually, he just actively tries not to dwell on it.]
[He doesn't know what he's anticipating when Niki's hand disappears and comes back, but he braces himself nonetheless — and yet, what he sees is a gem that looks the same as it always has, from the brief glimpses he's ever gotten of it.
The next instinct is to check and verify Niki's claims for himself, test the weight in his own hand... but he resists the urge to reach out and lay his fingers over the stone. It's not something he's been given, and it's therefore not his to touch. HiMERU can only stare on at how it nestles in Niki's hand, so laughingly ignorant of its own fragility.
'We both knew.' Whatever anger had been boiling under his skin fizzles out again as a similar exchanging of hands flickers through his mind, of his own gemstone passed along at a crucial hour. It's terrifying, giving a piece of himself away like that. It must be even more so, holding onto someone else's life, unable to do anything but watch should anything go awry. Only there to cup it in both hands and hope, and wait, and pray, and wait some more.
He owed someone an apology for that. More than what he'd already given. Rinne, too, needs to pay for burdening Niki with this soul-crushing weight that fits within a palm.
... Perhaps this is overstepping. Perhaps Niki will feel it's overstepping. How could he understand where HiMERU comes from, after all, when his memories stop all these months earlier, and they're all those months further apart? Despite everything, it's almost the same as being strangers again. It's not even that HiMERU's been forgotten... There was just nothing to remember in the first place.
But they're not the same strangers as before. They've stood together too many times for that, in that world. And why shouldn't that be the same here as well?
HiMERU reaches out. For once, he reaches out. It's long overdue. If he can be of support, for even a moment...
His hand slides beneath Niki's, cupping the back of it as he pulls it a bit closer, staring hard into Rinne's gemstone all the while... and after some time, he jerks his head up again with a certain finality, meeting Niki's eyes once more. His hand is warm under the other's, with a grip loose enough to let Niki free, should he pull just once.]
Shiina... [He starts, but there's another moment of frowning and furrowed brows before he finds the words.] When you hold this for him, what are you feeling?
[Not criticism... Not problem-solving... No, HiMERU is asking about feelings.]
Edited (magics the typos away...) 2023-02-13 02:28 (UTC)
[It's not a question he expects, nor the gesture, but Niki doesn't mind it. He's never been very good at being honest, but this small gesture feels so... kind and welcoming. He doesn't even think about how "unlike" HiMERU it is... But maybe it's because he knows it isn't actually unlike him at all.
How does he feel... He needs to find the words, but before he does, he can't help but smile just a little. Words are difficult, but there's no doubt about how he feels.]
I decided a long time ago that I'd always look out for him. If he asked me to look after his gem a hundred times, then I'd do it every single time.
[Niki wasn't very sure of himself in a lot of ways, about a lot of things, but this was something he actually felt pretty confident about. He should probably be more nervous about it than he actually is, but he isn't. They're fragile and he knows it, yet this is one of those rare things that he doesn't hesitate about. Of course it's a lot of responsibility. Of course it's scary. But it's something he wants to do, and there's no room for failure. It just has to be done. It's simple, actually.]
...I just wish I could do more. I know this is important, and if it means anything, then yeah, I'll do it. Over and over again. But... it's not enough. If he's still hurting, if he still feels the need to do this stuff at all... then it's not enough.
[Because this stuff shouldn't be happening in the first place. He shouldn't even have to be in this position. None of them should. Rinne had said as much before, and yet...
He looks down at the gem in their hands. There's a lump in his throat. It's funny, in a way, that even knowing this does matter still doesn't seem to be enough.]
Why does it always have to be us? Even here, we're still gambling. It's always us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Because he's held it before, but also because it's Rinne. He practically made it his business to know.]
He wouldn't have asked me to look after it if he didn't know it could be dangerous, so it's not like... I mean, we both knew. But I watched him die, you know? So...
[So he really can't help but fear the worst. He always does, actually, he just actively tries not to dwell on it.]
no subject
The next instinct is to check and verify Niki's claims for himself, test the weight in his own hand... but he resists the urge to reach out and lay his fingers over the stone. It's not something he's been given, and it's therefore not his to touch. HiMERU can only stare on at how it nestles in Niki's hand, so laughingly ignorant of its own fragility.
'We both knew.' Whatever anger had been boiling under his skin fizzles out again as a similar exchanging of hands flickers through his mind, of his own gemstone passed along at a crucial hour. It's terrifying, giving a piece of himself away like that. It must be even more so, holding onto someone else's life, unable to do anything but watch should anything go awry. Only there to cup it in both hands and hope, and wait, and pray, and wait some more.
He owed someone an apology for that. More than what he'd already given. Rinne, too, needs to pay for burdening Niki with this soul-crushing weight that fits within a palm.
... Perhaps this is overstepping. Perhaps Niki will feel it's overstepping. How could he understand where HiMERU comes from, after all, when his memories stop all these months earlier, and they're all those months further apart? Despite everything, it's almost the same as being strangers again. It's not even that HiMERU's been forgotten... There was just nothing to remember in the first place.
But they're not the same strangers as before. They've stood together too many times for that, in that world. And why shouldn't that be the same here as well?
HiMERU reaches out. For once, he reaches out. It's long overdue. If he can be of support, for even a moment...
His hand slides beneath Niki's, cupping the back of it as he pulls it a bit closer, staring hard into Rinne's gemstone all the while... and after some time, he jerks his head up again with a certain finality, meeting Niki's eyes once more. His hand is warm under the other's, with a grip loose enough to let Niki free, should he pull just once.]
Shiina... [He starts, but there's another moment of frowning and furrowed brows before he finds the words.] When you hold this for him, what are you feeling?
[Not criticism... Not problem-solving... No, HiMERU is asking about feelings.]
no subject
How does he feel... He needs to find the words, but before he does, he can't help but smile just a little. Words are difficult, but there's no doubt about how he feels.]
I decided a long time ago that I'd always look out for him. If he asked me to look after his gem a hundred times, then I'd do it every single time.
[Niki wasn't very sure of himself in a lot of ways, about a lot of things, but this was something he actually felt pretty confident about. He should probably be more nervous about it than he actually is, but he isn't. They're fragile and he knows it, yet this is one of those rare things that he doesn't hesitate about. Of course it's a lot of responsibility. Of course it's scary. But it's something he wants to do, and there's no room for failure. It just has to be done. It's simple, actually.]
...I just wish I could do more. I know this is important, and if it means anything, then yeah, I'll do it. Over and over again. But... it's not enough. If he's still hurting, if he still feels the need to do this stuff at all... then it's not enough.
[Because this stuff shouldn't be happening in the first place. He shouldn't even have to be in this position. None of them should. Rinne had said as much before, and yet...
He looks down at the gem in their hands. There's a lump in his throat. It's funny, in a way, that even knowing this does matter still doesn't seem to be enough.]
Why does it always have to be us? Even here, we're still gambling. It's always us.
[It's so tiring.]