Ah... [He probably should. It's not like he hasn't been eating, but he always tried really hard not to eat so much more than anyone else, and he's been feeling sick for a while now. But he already feels like he's going to be asking HiMERU for a lot, so the answer he gives is:] Nahaha, thanks. Only if it's not any trouble. Anything's fine.
[Lukewarm, kind of like the smile he gives when he says it. He is happy that HiMERU accepted his request and even let him in, but he feels like he's holding so much inside and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that he isn't. But he still doesn't know how to say this...
He takes the offer to sit, though. He definitely needs to do that. He'll take a seat on a small sofa or armchair, whatever looks comfiest. When he speaks, it's full of hesitation.]
Um, you can tell me if I'm being ridiculous, but... see, I have this really bad feeling and I don't know if I'm imagining it or not.
[HiMERU sets the kettle on the stove, enough water for two, and comes to sit on the opposite side of the sofa, glancing at Niki beside him. He blinks slowly, expression carefully neutral.
Ridiculous... Perhaps he can only hope to say so. But the weight of the atmosphere surrounding Niki gives him some doubt. Nonetheless, he won't know until the other actually begins to speak.]
HiMERU is listening. Start however you need to.
[As slowly, as jumbled, as out of order as Niki might need just to put his thoughts together... He'll patiently accept it all.]
[Even when HiMERU gives his permission, Niki still feels stuck. He doesn't actually like hesitating, but he so loathes the idea of causing trouble for others in any way that he can't actually help himself. That's the hardest part about this, really, that it feels like it's more for himself than anyone else... But he remembers the things Kaname told him and he thinks maybe that isn't entirely true. Maybe... no, it might not be just for himself.
Even then, he doesn't even really know what he wants from HiMERU in this situation, because he's not sure there's anything he can do about it, either, but...
But hesitating isn't getting him anywhere. So, okay. He needs to start somewhere.]
Um, well, you know, he probably doesn't remember it, but I'm pretty used to Rinne-kun coming home late and all~. He's always been that way. [He still worried, of course, but he was used to it, so he'd kind of just put up with it, like he did with everything else.] The thing is, he's been gone for a really long time now, and I haven't heard a word from him at all. Not a single annoying text or voicemail. ...it's weird. It's not like him.
[He should've known this would be about Rinne. He thinks a part of him already did, instinctively. What else would Niki possibly come to him about, with such a gaunt look in his face? There were only so many threads that kept them connected, and that buffoon was almost certainly the most binding one. That, and their unit, but when Rinne was at the head of it all, those two things were practically synonymous.
HiMERU frowns, threading his fingers together as he folds his hands. It's true that he hadn't heard anything from Rinne lately, either. Not that they spoke every single day, and that was fine, especially when they were (HiMERU was) always so caught up in his own things, but if even Niki had noticed a prolonged silence, something must be awry.]
When was the last you spoke with him? Did he say anything of note at the time?
[That was the first problem, really. It had been days. The most reasonable assumption in this case is that maybe something happened to one or both of his phones. But that doesn't seem right, either... He's sure Rinne would've tried to contact him somehow. He knows he worries.
There's a pause between Niki's answers for the first and second question, though. The second one is harder to answer. He bites his lip for a moment.]
...I feel kinda bad about this. He trusts me with his life, you know? I don't wanna betray that trust. [Rinne hadn't told them, understandably.] But I know where he went, and I know what he was trying to do. ...it's probably dangerous.
[He's not sure how to emphasize just how dangerous this is without telling him. He might have to tell him.]
[... A deep breath. Trust and secrecy. It all gets in the way, doesn't it? He only cares for it when it's advantageous to him, and that definitely isn't the case right now. Niki is so frustratingly earnest...]
Shiina... You're worried about his whereabouts, knowing he likely went off on some dangerous mission [which HiMERU is also refraining from getting angry about, by the way], and you came to HiMERU for a reason, yes?
If you're concerned about betraying his trust, then HiMERU cannot force you to explain, but that imposes limits on what he can do to help you. Context is everything, after all.
[And HiMERU wouldn't turn away from the challenge of it even then, especially when Niki had specifically approached him with a rare show of anxiety, but...]
... Amagi likely knew that HiMERU would find out sooner or later. If you wish to stall the inevitable, Shiina, so be it. However, HiMERU has no interest in turning a blind eye this time.
[There's a lot he can ignore, and there's a lot Rinne can get away with so long as it never crossed into HiMERU's lane. But is too much coming from someone who had started crying over the prospect of losing HiMERU, drunk or not. Hopefully Rinne wasn't so foolish to think HiMERU was only full of empty threats.]
I'm not sure there's anything you can do to help. [That's something Niki can say honestly, because... if he knew of anything like that, this would be a very different conversation right now. It's not even a problem with HiMERU, it's a... "How do you even deal with this?" kind of problem.] ...but you're right. Knowing him, if— I mean, when he gets back, he's never going to shut up about what he did anyway. ...just like when he died.
[He hated it. It was important and Niki knew that, so he never complained, but... he hated it.
He takes a breath. Rinne trusted Niki with his life, and he trusted him with HiMERU's, too. Maybe... he can trust HiMERU with Rinne's, too. HiMERU's words make him think that maybe that's okay.]
A while back, they found a ritual for summoning demons. So that's what he was doing. As long as his gem's okay, he should be, too, but... I think it feels a little different than it did before he left.
[Ever so slightly. He thought a lot about things like texture because of cooking, and he'd held his gem a few times in the past month alone, so he's sure he's not just imagining that.]
[His eyes narrow as Niki brings up the ritual. Rinne had certainly made mention of it at their last town meeting, but he hadn't thought their leader would be so stupid as to pursue that line of action... On the other hand, perhaps he really should've known. He's learned a lot about panicked men and their desperate measures in these past few weeks, so in hindsight — he should've been more careful.
He'd let himself get distracted with his own pursuits, and even though their end goals were approximately the same, he thinks, the means to it would be...
HiMERU's jaw clenches, his blood starting to boil in the pit of his stomach. It's not Niki's fault at all, but he can't help the sharpness in his tone.]
It's pretty hard to tell, honestly... [He reaches into his pocket for the gem. He can tell which one it is without even having to look at it. He'll hold it out so HiMERU can see it—it really doesn't look any different from what he would be familiar with.] But I know because it's just like mine. I guess it feels a little lighter than before? Kinda like it's not as solid. I know I'm not imagining it.
[Because he's held it before, but also because it's Rinne. He practically made it his business to know.]
He wouldn't have asked me to look after it if he didn't know it could be dangerous, so it's not like... I mean, we both knew. But I watched him die, you know? So...
[So he really can't help but fear the worst. He always does, actually, he just actively tries not to dwell on it.]
[He doesn't know what he's anticipating when Niki's hand disappears and comes back, but he braces himself nonetheless — and yet, what he sees is a gem that looks the same as it always has, from the brief glimpses he's ever gotten of it.
The next instinct is to check and verify Niki's claims for himself, test the weight in his own hand... but he resists the urge to reach out and lay his fingers over the stone. It's not something he's been given, and it's therefore not his to touch. HiMERU can only stare on at how it nestles in Niki's hand, so laughingly ignorant of its own fragility.
'We both knew.' Whatever anger had been boiling under his skin fizzles out again as a similar exchanging of hands flickers through his mind, of his own gemstone passed along at a crucial hour. It's terrifying, giving a piece of himself away like that. It must be even more so, holding onto someone else's life, unable to do anything but watch should anything go awry. Only there to cup it in both hands and hope, and wait, and pray, and wait some more.
He owed someone an apology for that. More than what he'd already given. Rinne, too, needs to pay for burdening Niki with this soul-crushing weight that fits within a palm.
... Perhaps this is overstepping. Perhaps Niki will feel it's overstepping. How could he understand where HiMERU comes from, after all, when his memories stop all these months earlier, and they're all those months further apart? Despite everything, it's almost the same as being strangers again. It's not even that HiMERU's been forgotten... There was just nothing to remember in the first place.
But they're not the same strangers as before. They've stood together too many times for that, in that world. And why shouldn't that be the same here as well?
HiMERU reaches out. For once, he reaches out. It's long overdue. If he can be of support, for even a moment...
His hand slides beneath Niki's, cupping the back of it as he pulls it a bit closer, staring hard into Rinne's gemstone all the while... and after some time, he jerks his head up again with a certain finality, meeting Niki's eyes once more. His hand is warm under the other's, with a grip loose enough to let Niki free, should he pull just once.]
Shiina... [He starts, but there's another moment of frowning and furrowed brows before he finds the words.] When you hold this for him, what are you feeling?
[Not criticism... Not problem-solving... No, HiMERU is asking about feelings.]
Edited (magics the typos away...) 2023-02-13 02:28 (UTC)
[It's not a question he expects, nor the gesture, but Niki doesn't mind it. He's never been very good at being honest, but this small gesture feels so... kind and welcoming. He doesn't even think about how "unlike" HiMERU it is... But maybe it's because he knows it isn't actually unlike him at all.
How does he feel... He needs to find the words, but before he does, he can't help but smile just a little. Words are difficult, but there's no doubt about how he feels.]
I decided a long time ago that I'd always look out for him. If he asked me to look after his gem a hundred times, then I'd do it every single time.
[Niki wasn't very sure of himself in a lot of ways, about a lot of things, but this was something he actually felt pretty confident about. He should probably be more nervous about it than he actually is, but he isn't. They're fragile and he knows it, yet this is one of those rare things that he doesn't hesitate about. Of course it's a lot of responsibility. Of course it's scary. But it's something he wants to do, and there's no room for failure. It just has to be done. It's simple, actually.]
...I just wish I could do more. I know this is important, and if it means anything, then yeah, I'll do it. Over and over again. But... it's not enough. If he's still hurting, if he still feels the need to do this stuff at all... then it's not enough.
[Because this stuff shouldn't be happening in the first place. He shouldn't even have to be in this position. None of them should. Rinne had said as much before, and yet...
He looks down at the gem in their hands. There's a lump in his throat. It's funny, in a way, that even knowing this does matter still doesn't seem to be enough.]
Why does it always have to be us? Even here, we're still gambling. It's always us.
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[Lukewarm, kind of like the smile he gives when he says it. He is happy that HiMERU accepted his request and even let him in, but he feels like he's holding so much inside and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that he isn't. But he still doesn't know how to say this...
He takes the offer to sit, though. He definitely needs to do that. He'll take a seat on a small sofa or armchair, whatever looks comfiest. When he speaks, it's full of hesitation.]
Um, you can tell me if I'm being ridiculous, but... see, I have this really bad feeling and I don't know if I'm imagining it or not.
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Ridiculous... Perhaps he can only hope to say so. But the weight of the atmosphere surrounding Niki gives him some doubt. Nonetheless, he won't know until the other actually begins to speak.]
HiMERU is listening. Start however you need to.
[As slowly, as jumbled, as out of order as Niki might need just to put his thoughts together... He'll patiently accept it all.]
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Even then, he doesn't even really know what he wants from HiMERU in this situation, because he's not sure there's anything he can do about it, either, but...
But hesitating isn't getting him anywhere. So, okay. He needs to start somewhere.]
Um, well, you know, he probably doesn't remember it, but I'm pretty used to Rinne-kun coming home late and all~. He's always been that way. [He still worried, of course, but he was used to it, so he'd kind of just put up with it, like he did with everything else.] The thing is, he's been gone for a really long time now, and I haven't heard a word from him at all. Not a single annoying text or voicemail. ...it's weird. It's not like him.
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HiMERU frowns, threading his fingers together as he folds his hands. It's true that he hadn't heard anything from Rinne lately, either. Not that they spoke every single day, and that was fine, especially when they were (HiMERU was) always so caught up in his own things, but if even Niki had noticed a prolonged silence, something must be awry.]
When was the last you spoke with him? Did he say anything of note at the time?
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[That was the first problem, really. It had been days. The most reasonable assumption in this case is that maybe something happened to one or both of his phones. But that doesn't seem right, either... He's sure Rinne would've tried to contact him somehow. He knows he worries.
There's a pause between Niki's answers for the first and second question, though. The second one is harder to answer. He bites his lip for a moment.]
...I feel kinda bad about this. He trusts me with his life, you know? I don't wanna betray that trust. [Rinne hadn't told them, understandably.] But I know where he went, and I know what he was trying to do. ...it's probably dangerous.
[He's not sure how to emphasize just how dangerous this is without telling him. He might have to tell him.]
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Shiina... You're worried about his whereabouts, knowing he likely went off on some dangerous mission [which HiMERU is also refraining from getting angry about, by the way], and you came to HiMERU for a reason, yes?
If you're concerned about betraying his trust, then HiMERU cannot force you to explain, but that imposes limits on what he can do to help you. Context is everything, after all.
[And HiMERU wouldn't turn away from the challenge of it even then, especially when Niki had specifically approached him with a rare show of anxiety, but...]
... Amagi likely knew that HiMERU would find out sooner or later. If you wish to stall the inevitable, Shiina, so be it. However, HiMERU has no interest in turning a blind eye this time.
[There's a lot he can ignore, and there's a lot Rinne can get away with so long as it never crossed into HiMERU's lane. But is too much coming from someone who had started crying over the prospect of losing HiMERU, drunk or not. Hopefully Rinne wasn't so foolish to think HiMERU was only full of empty threats.]
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[He hated it. It was important and Niki knew that, so he never complained, but... he hated it.
He takes a breath. Rinne trusted Niki with his life, and he trusted him with HiMERU's, too. Maybe... he can trust HiMERU with Rinne's, too. HiMERU's words make him think that maybe that's okay.]
A while back, they found a ritual for summoning demons. So that's what he was doing. As long as his gem's okay, he should be, too, but... I think it feels a little different than it did before he left.
[Ever so slightly. He thought a lot about things like texture because of cooking, and he'd held his gem a few times in the past month alone, so he's sure he's not just imagining that.]
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He'd let himself get distracted with his own pursuits, and even though their end goals were approximately the same, he thinks, the means to it would be...
HiMERU's jaw clenches, his blood starting to boil in the pit of his stomach. It's not Niki's fault at all, but he can't help the sharpness in his tone.]
What's wrong with it? Show me. Now.
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[Because he's held it before, but also because it's Rinne. He practically made it his business to know.]
He wouldn't have asked me to look after it if he didn't know it could be dangerous, so it's not like... I mean, we both knew. But I watched him die, you know? So...
[So he really can't help but fear the worst. He always does, actually, he just actively tries not to dwell on it.]
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The next instinct is to check and verify Niki's claims for himself, test the weight in his own hand... but he resists the urge to reach out and lay his fingers over the stone. It's not something he's been given, and it's therefore not his to touch. HiMERU can only stare on at how it nestles in Niki's hand, so laughingly ignorant of its own fragility.
'We both knew.' Whatever anger had been boiling under his skin fizzles out again as a similar exchanging of hands flickers through his mind, of his own gemstone passed along at a crucial hour. It's terrifying, giving a piece of himself away like that. It must be even more so, holding onto someone else's life, unable to do anything but watch should anything go awry. Only there to cup it in both hands and hope, and wait, and pray, and wait some more.
He owed someone an apology for that. More than what he'd already given. Rinne, too, needs to pay for burdening Niki with this soul-crushing weight that fits within a palm.
... Perhaps this is overstepping. Perhaps Niki will feel it's overstepping. How could he understand where HiMERU comes from, after all, when his memories stop all these months earlier, and they're all those months further apart? Despite everything, it's almost the same as being strangers again. It's not even that HiMERU's been forgotten... There was just nothing to remember in the first place.
But they're not the same strangers as before. They've stood together too many times for that, in that world. And why shouldn't that be the same here as well?
HiMERU reaches out. For once, he reaches out. It's long overdue. If he can be of support, for even a moment...
His hand slides beneath Niki's, cupping the back of it as he pulls it a bit closer, staring hard into Rinne's gemstone all the while... and after some time, he jerks his head up again with a certain finality, meeting Niki's eyes once more. His hand is warm under the other's, with a grip loose enough to let Niki free, should he pull just once.]
Shiina... [He starts, but there's another moment of frowning and furrowed brows before he finds the words.] When you hold this for him, what are you feeling?
[Not criticism... Not problem-solving... No, HiMERU is asking about feelings.]
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How does he feel... He needs to find the words, but before he does, he can't help but smile just a little. Words are difficult, but there's no doubt about how he feels.]
I decided a long time ago that I'd always look out for him. If he asked me to look after his gem a hundred times, then I'd do it every single time.
[Niki wasn't very sure of himself in a lot of ways, about a lot of things, but this was something he actually felt pretty confident about. He should probably be more nervous about it than he actually is, but he isn't. They're fragile and he knows it, yet this is one of those rare things that he doesn't hesitate about. Of course it's a lot of responsibility. Of course it's scary. But it's something he wants to do, and there's no room for failure. It just has to be done. It's simple, actually.]
...I just wish I could do more. I know this is important, and if it means anything, then yeah, I'll do it. Over and over again. But... it's not enough. If he's still hurting, if he still feels the need to do this stuff at all... then it's not enough.
[Because this stuff shouldn't be happening in the first place. He shouldn't even have to be in this position. None of them should. Rinne had said as much before, and yet...
He looks down at the gem in their hands. There's a lump in his throat. It's funny, in a way, that even knowing this does matter still doesn't seem to be enough.]
Why does it always have to be us? Even here, we're still gambling. It's always us.
[It's so tiring.]