[No, perhaps he doesn't really understand. How could he? In his world, nothing like this existed. They were all things of fiction to him, until he arrived here and saw the unbelievable before his very eyes. Experienced it in full, in such close contact. He can't grasp the intricacies of the magic or the supernatural, especially when it's so inconsistent between every account he's heard from each of the people here. He's guessing.
They're all just guessing, aren't they? Children playing and experimenting. Toying with the world to see what makes it tick, without any clear idea of the consequences. But HiMERU was too smart for that. At least, he had thought so.
Someone else would take care of it. It was someone else's problem. But then it became his too, and he needed to pull more than his share of weight, because it wasn't enough. Because everyone else was the same as him — thinking they're too smart to fall for it, too good for it, hoping and waiting for it to go away on its own. Too hesitant. Too cowardly. It made him sick.]
Then are you saying you'd sacrifice yourself for it? With your almighty, powerful exorcist blood? ... No, of course not. You're much too careful for that.
[Matoba asks him why, but that should be obvious, he thinks. Humans are creatures of simple motivations, barring insanity. He stares into the palms of his hands rather than at Matoba, tracing over the lifeline on his left hand with his eyes.]
You're wrong, if you think it was pointless. It worked. It retracted. I saw it. It'll grow again, so it's only a matter of time, but we need to buy as much time as we can get.
[And then, more softly:] ... I know I'm not enough. But I would give myself a thousand times to it if I could. It still wouldn't be enough, but every minute more would count.
[Even if he lost minutes to death, and darkness, and revival, only to repeat it all again.]
There are people there... trapped. Who will be swallowed by that darkness if nothing is done. If we can't conquer the void, we need time to find a solution. To circumvent it. Get them out of there, and...
[He chances a look up at Matoba. For all his scrutiny, he can't bring himself to believe Matoba won't understand this, even a bit. If exorcists are the thankless saviors he seems to make him out to be — will he condemn him for even this?]
We need time, so I bought it, the only way I know how. Call me a fool if you'd like. But I did what was necessary for me.
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They're all just guessing, aren't they? Children playing and experimenting. Toying with the world to see what makes it tick, without any clear idea of the consequences. But HiMERU was too smart for that. At least, he had thought so.
Someone else would take care of it. It was someone else's problem. But then it became his too, and he needed to pull more than his share of weight, because it wasn't enough. Because everyone else was the same as him — thinking they're too smart to fall for it, too good for it, hoping and waiting for it to go away on its own. Too hesitant. Too cowardly. It made him sick.]
Then are you saying you'd sacrifice yourself for it? With your almighty, powerful exorcist blood? ... No, of course not. You're much too careful for that.
[Matoba asks him why, but that should be obvious, he thinks. Humans are creatures of simple motivations, barring insanity. He stares into the palms of his hands rather than at Matoba, tracing over the lifeline on his left hand with his eyes.]
You're wrong, if you think it was pointless. It worked. It retracted. I saw it. It'll grow again, so it's only a matter of time, but we need to buy as much time as we can get.
[And then, more softly:] ... I know I'm not enough. But I would give myself a thousand times to it if I could. It still wouldn't be enough, but every minute more would count.
[Even if he lost minutes to death, and darkness, and revival, only to repeat it all again.]
There are people there... trapped. Who will be swallowed by that darkness if nothing is done. If we can't conquer the void, we need time to find a solution. To circumvent it. Get them out of there, and...
[He chances a look up at Matoba. For all his scrutiny, he can't bring himself to believe Matoba won't understand this, even a bit. If exorcists are the thankless saviors he seems to make him out to be — will he condemn him for even this?]
We need time, so I bought it, the only way I know how. Call me a fool if you'd like. But I did what was necessary for me.